Until a couple of years ago, on the surface I “had it all”… A fantastic career earning loads of money, a social life second to none, clubbing and partying and travelling round the world on business and for pleasure. I had always believed that what was necessary and of value was power, money, prestige, looking good and success and I went after all those things. The more I achieved, however, and the more I conformed to society’s values, the more I felt an increasing emptiness inside me. It came to a point where I found myself in a place of inner darkness and it was there that I encountered God’s love for me and my life began to change direction.

I grew up beside the sea in Cape Town, South Africa. My mother used to take my sister and me to Mass but other than that prayer didn’t feature in our family life. It was in suffering the loss of my father to cancer when I was 18 that I began to question what life was really all about. I found great comfort in thinking about God and going to Mass and really felt the presence of God in my life.

Joys of falling in love

A few months after my dad died, I was told that Our Lady was appearing and giving the world messages in Medjugorje, a place in Bosnia. I was profoundly moved, convinced of the truth of the apparitions. I started to try to live the gospel as Our Lady taught, but before long my first serious boyfriend was on the scene and my zeal soon faded as the joys of falling in love, student life and partying took over.

I left Cape Town after university and backpacked round the world for a year before starting my career in London. Some Christian friends who knew me well and saw that I was searching for something more in my life suggested that I do the Alpha course, a ten week introduction to Christianity.

I loved the high life

I was open to finding out more and I felt I had nothing to lose by trying it. Through the dynamic teaching, vibrant praise and worship services and prayer ministry I was put in touch again with the reality and power of God. At the same time, I had worked my way to a top position in an international financial company. I loved partying and living the high life, but over time I became aware of an increasing emptiness inside me that none of my pleasure seeking seemed to fill however much I tried. Although I believed in God, that belief didn’t influence my lifestyle and I came to a point where I was no longer sure who I was or even who I was trying to be. The liberation I had felt in living my life the way I wanted was short lived and instead of giving me any true freedom, it nearly destroyed my sense of self.

It was in this brokenness and darkness that I had a powerful experience of the presence of god while I was on a business trip to the US in October 1999. I can only describe it as feeling in my heart as if Jesus reached down to hold my hand, placed a mirror in front of me and asked, without judgement or condemnation, “This is who you are, is this who you want to be?” Even though in that I moment I felt totally accepted by God in spite of the way I was living my life, I knew I didn’t want to continue to be who I felt I had become.

I had a sense that what I was looking for lay in the Catholic faith I had abandoned, so I started going back to Mass. A few months later my faith was re-ignited at a Youth2000 retreat that somebody had suggested I go on. I wanted to start afresh so I went to confession for the first time in years. I was nervous and not sure how the priest would react, but I experienced the mercy and compassion of Jesus through him. It was a huge relief to unburden myself and be told that God always forgives and accepts me unconditionally.

Getting to know Jesus as a person

I started to get to know Jesus as a person and to encounter him not only in reading the bible but also in every day things. My life didn’t change automatically and I wasn’t even really aware of how God was leading me, but He was. I had several serious relationships and presumed I would get married and have children, but the thought of committing myself to God in religious life began to surface and wouldn’t go away. The very idea of it totally freaked me out!

At the same time, I was sure that I had been created for a purpose and it would only be in discovering the deepest desire of my heart that I would be truly happy. Out of the blue, in February 2001, my friend Rani, arranged for me to go on my first trip to Medjugorje and while I was there I had an indescribable completely incredible experience of being totally and utterly overwhelmed by God’s love for me. The fear I had felt was simply lifted from me and I was given the grace to trust that Jesus would lead me where I would be happy. I still wanted to get married, but at the same time I felt a strong desire to give myself totally to Jesus in a way I felt I couldn’t if I were married.

In August 2002, at a Youth 2000 retreat in England I couldn’t stand the turmoil one minute longer and so I told Jesus that I was going to be a nun and if that wasn’t the way ahead, He would have to tell me quickly so that I could find a husband. There were no wonderful feelings to accompany this decision but in the following months, through time alone with God in prayer I felt a strengthening of the “yes” and an unexpected joy and peace within me. I am a passionate lover of life and love interacting with people, so I was sure that there was no way, given my background, skills and personality that I could ever even consider an enclosed order. At the same time, I wanted to look at all the options and there was a mystery in enclosed life that made me very curious. I knew there had to be something that made that way of life worth living and the enclosed sisters I had met all seemed so joyful, at peace, on fire with love for Jesus – and totally normal. Although I couldn’t explain it, there was a part of me that felt drawn to what they clearly had.

Friends enthused about the Poor Clares in Galway so I decided to visit them. I’m not sure what I expected but I was surprised to meet a lively, friendly group with lots of young sisters. I decided to try the life out for two weeks as I could see that this was really the only way to come to a decision and I had nothing to lose. I experienced deep peace during this time with the Community and had great fun with them. I loved the rhythm of prayer and work and how throughout the day, and for some time during the night, the Sisters prayed in Adoration before the Blessed Sacrament.I wrestled endlessly with myself and with God – there was so much I felt I could do to help people in a practical way, but at the same time I knew that nothing was more valuable or effective than prayer. I decided that, if I gave the Poor Clare way of life a try, I would know if it was what God was asking.

My family would a million times over wish that I hadn’t chosen this path. My mother finds it impossible to understand why her daughter, who could have had and done anything would choose to become a nun. My sister, who is also my best friend, has stood by me unconditionally even though she shares the anguish of separation that we all feel. Definitely the hardest thing for me about the decision I have made is the pain caused to those I love.

I am receiving more than I am giving

But deep within me, I am at peace with wanting to give myself to God totally in this way. This is the “instinct” I am following and I am convinced that, even when it doesn’t feel that way, I am receiving infinitely more than I am giving and my family and everybody I hold in my heart are sharing in these blessings.

My “yes” to God has had to be a complete letting go of myself and what I think is necessary for my life and a launching of myself into the vast abyss of God’s love. His invitation does not include a roadmap and so it calls for deep faith and trust beyond imagining – and I continue to pray for these gifts. All He asks is that I let go of the apparent security of the world by taking each next step that He presents and trusting in His promise that He will faithfully be with me, whatever the struggles and joys may be.

If you are interested please feel free to write to:
Sr Colette
Poor Clare Monastery,
Nuns’ Island,
Galway
Website: www.poorclares.ie