His words when we first started to see each other were: "Don't
be afraid. Let yourself go to this love…... with me you will
not suffer." How far that was from the truth! For him I left
my marriage and a very comfortable life and what I'm most ashamed
of - my two young children, to follow a dream… the dream to be
loved… which instead became a nightmare.
Vittorio was addicted to many types of drugs. I soon found that it
didn't take much to fuel his anger. Any excuse, any argument would
lead to shouting and then the violence started. Terrible violence.
I got pregnant but he pushed me to have an abortion, which tormented
me.
Time and again I tried to escape to my parents but I could never
resist him and would always fall back into his arms, leaving my parents
disappointed and confused. During this time I hardly ever saw my children,
although I too blind and self centred to realise what I was doing
to them.
Then Vittorio contracted Aids because of his drug habit. I fell pregnant
again but by some miracle the results of my HIV test were negative
and I decided to keep the child. For a while things seemed better
but the magic did not last long and I would wake up at night experiencing
panic attacks worried that my baby might cry and wake Vittorio up
and cause another outburst of rage towards me.
It was at this desperate time that I found my faith again in a new
way. I prayed night and day to the Lord. "There must be a place
for me and my baby! I am nothing without you Lord."
The Lord always listens to the cry of his sons and daughters and
my prayers joined to the prayers of my mother, my sister and many
other people who love me, worked and God gave me the strength to act.
One morning when Vittorio went out to work, I took my baby in the
pram and walked 6km to reach the nearest town where I went to see
the doctor. He examined me and gave me a certificate to confirm that
the fresh injuries I had received were caused by beating and were
not "accidents". I then went to the local Carabineri and
told the whole truth, reporting every single incident of bodily harm,
supported by dates and evidence of my hospital visits. Finally I went
to get help and advice from the local social worker.
In fact I had to stay with Vittorio another long month but Jesus
protected me and I knew He would never abandon me. During that time
I kept very quiet. I tried to please Vittorio. I never asked him any
questions and I never contradicted him. Then the awaited phone call
came to say that I had been given a place in a christian community
for single mothers in need. My father came to collect me and my son
Nicholas and took us there. The smile of the staff and the picture
of Jesus on the wall as soon as I came in made me realise I had arrived
in the right place.
Vittorio went mad when he realised what I had done but I was determined
this time. My action pushed him to getting some help and he went -
albeit temporarily - into a rehab centre himself.
I
have learnt a lot through the community. I have learnt that true love
- what I had always been searching for - does exist. Now I see Jesus
in others and I saw how the Gospel can be put into practice in the
way I was helped. I carry on praying for my own needs but also for
Vittorio, so that his eyes may be opened too and he may discover the
love of Jesus too.
I have come to realise how I wasted five years of my life on this
madness and have cried for the suffering I caused my children and
my family as well as myself, thinking that I deserved everything that
happened because I was so bad. I now know the Jesus has paid for my
sins on the cross and I don't have to be punished for them any more.
I feel I owe it to other women who might be in the same situation
as I was, to tell my story so they might be encouraged to make the
break and come out of violent relationships. One can feel very alone
but I have found other people do help you and life is a gift to be
lived we dignity and joy. Thank you Jesus for setting me free.
Michela now lives on her own in a lovely flat with Nicholas, who
is four. She works full time in a retirement home and is helped with
childcare by friends and family. She says that God continues to provide
for her in many ways.
