Why did you write this book?
I wanted to sound the alarm after having realised that even in Christian
circles, more and more young people are accepting co-habitation. "Everyone
does it," they say. Moreover, hoping to stop their children from
becoming completely marginalised, their parents often approve too.
Afraid of divorce these young people imagine that co-habitation is
a way of ensuring against break-up. But the statistics, show the contrary.
Those people who marry after having lived together divorce twice as
much as those who don't. It's an error to think that a trial like
this protects you from failure.
To whom is this book principally addressed?
It's essentially for young people. I am very struck to see how many
of them are afraid to commit themselves. They are very sincere in
thinking that co-habiting is the best way to make a success of their
conjugal lives. Through being involved with many co-habiting couples,
however, I know how often co-habitation actually makes them fragile
and insecure.
The reasons are many. Often people c-habit when they are young. That
is to say when they don't know yet what they are going to do with
their lives. At a given moment they then realise that the plans they
have for their lives are irreconcilable.
Also young people live very much at the level of their emotions and
feelings and they are not always aware how these fluctuate. When for
whatever reason, their relationship seems less blooming, they are
not able to draw help from a concrete commitment to get over the difficult
moment, and so they split up in a very sincere manner. They think,
"we don't love each other any more, so we will part." These
young people haven't yet realised that loves grows and draws support
from a from a free decision such as marriage.
Another reason for the fragilisation of the couple by co-habitation
is the lack of meaningful dialogue. Often the person who loves the
most, doesn't dare bring up difficult questions. He or she knows that
these can call into question the whole relationship. Co-habiting couples
thus often allow problems to go untalked about and unresolved for
too long.
Finally people start co-habiting earlier and earlier, and thus the
couple will have had several experiences of successive co-habitation
with different partners. This diminishes considerably their capital
of trust.
In their first such relationship, they believe very sincerely that
it's going to work. Then for one reason or another comes failure.
They then begin to ask themselves the question: "Love does it
really exist or not?" It then often happens that they begin a
second relationship, but with less confidence and trust. They live
this relationship less deeply through fear of suffering, which leads
them to separate even more rapidly than before. After a certain number
of years, one finds these people have become single, not through choice
but by their inability to commit themselves.
Is this true for many?
Yes. The statistics from many western universities show that the
number of single people is continually growing. When you talk with
single people of 30-35 years, one notices quite frequently that they
live alone, not by deliberate choice for single life, but because
they are afraid of commitment, because they no longer believe in it
any more.
Do you know any examples of young people who have
lived together yet who do succeed in believing again in love and do
marry successfully?
Yes. But often they have had to be helped by someone to understand
where their mistakes have been. Although every failure makes them
suffer and they envy those who manage to live happily together they
often don't see how they can achieve it.
Society has trivialised cohabitation and the whole love scene. Many
people have come to believe that the failure or success of the relationship
has more to do with fate than their choice. "If we love each
other for the long term, so much the better, but if one falls out
of love, too bad, there's nothing once can do" is a common view.
It is true that one can't control everything that happens within a
relationship and a part of its evolution we can't for see. However
it is essential to realise that its success depends on a large part
on the couple themselves. Once one has understood this, one can effectively
gain trust again and dare to marry.
Are young non-Christians receptive to this type of
analysis?
Yes. When they are suffering because of their relationship. But when
they are just beginning to co-habit they are less prepared to listen.
But very quickly they are confronted with difficulties - lack of dialogue,
profound discord in what is exactly their commitment to each other.
Faced with the fear of losing the other, they often will accept to
look outside themselves for help with answers.
What does one do in the face of the very pessimistic
view of marriage today?
Christians have first of all to witness to their happiness as a married
couple and what they believe. But they should also be open to showing
that their relationship has not been a bed of roses where everything
has gone well all the time, but has been rather a passionate adventure,
with both very happy moments and more difficult periods. It is not
because there are sometimes lows in the life of the couple that everything
is lost. All precious works of art take time to build and have exalted
moments and others which are more difficult. I think that Christians
must say this.
What advice would you give to parents confronted with
this difficulty?
The important thing to understand is that co-habitation is not a
sign of immorality. Young people who begin to co-habit most of the
time do so with very true and strong feelings. But they are deceived
in these feelings. Many parents are disconcerted by the cohabitation
of their offspring but I would counsel them to really find out and
reflect on the deep reasons why they have chosen this type of commitment.
Neither a laissez faire or authoritarian approach will encourage good
dialogue between parents and children. The latter are bound to clash
with the values of their parents. Between destructive authoritarianism
and the abdication of responsibility, there is a the place for love,
exacting certainly, but also respectful, vigilant and protective.
Translated and reprinted from Il est Vivant with
their permission.
