Jesus, Lord of All - A Testimony
Tom Hall, a student, shares how, as his faith has
grown, so have his ideas about sex before marriage
Yesterday I was at a Youth2000 retreat in Cambridge in
a life that doesn't feel like my own, at least it's not the life I would
have imagined for myself at all. I would probably be doing the same
as the majority of university students all over the country; trying
to find happiness in places where it doesn't exist. At the very least
I would still be spending ridiculous amounts money on alcohol, drugs
and cigarettes to fill a void, which later I discovered could only be
filled with one thing.
I was brought up a cradle catholic so God was not a
new concept for me, in fact I was quite religious as a child and remember
getting very involved during my first holy communion. It wasn't until
the hormones kicked in that I started to have problems and God was definitely
side lined for girls. In fact the line my sister used to get me to go
to my first charismatic event was that there would be plenty of young
ladies there! And although her promise was true I found something much
more important at that summer camp than girls, I discovered that God
was real. After that I never doubted God's existence despite taking
philosophy A level, in fact my faith grew and I developed a strong dislike
for atheists. But my faith was very rational (even though I prayed in
tongues) and I never really believed that God could actually change
lives and thought the people who trusted God completely were irrational.
My main problem with being a Christian was the 'no sex before marriage
teachings'; as far as I was concerned at 16, there was no way it was
possible to wait until I was married and it didn't occur to me that
God could help. A couple of years later after a few painful one-night
stands, I decided that sex should probably be saved for a loving relationship.
Funnily enough, it was about this time that I really started longing
deep down to meet someone who didn't to want have sex before they were
married. But this desire didn't materialise as a life decision, and
I got into a relationship with someone 6 yearsolder. At the time I was
working hard to go travelling around the world and I remember praying
for a new job, this was the answer I got:
" Anyone who loves me will keep my words and my
Father will love him, and shall come to him, and make a home in him.
Anyone who does not love me will not keep my words" John 14 v23-24
This really shook me and I was angry with God for saying
I didn't love him, but I didn't change my life and things got worse.
Things came to a head just months ago, although it feels
like so much longer, on Tuesday the 18th of April in Joel's bar at Celebrate
2001. I was in nothing short of emotional agony as I had realised that
what the world said about sex and love was a lie; why if living like
that was supposed to be so good was I in so much pain? But I still didn't
know how to stop, but then my beautiful Saviour asked me to do just
one thing, to go to confession. It was with a heavy heart that I walked
towards that priest and I said to him 'Father I hate going to confession'
and he replied ' You know what: I hate hearing them'! I told him everything.
From the moment I walked away from that confession I
knew things had changed, for a start I was no longer scared anymore;
I knew that if I trusted in Jesus anything was possible. I gave my life
to him then and there. Over the next few days the Lord blessed me emphatically
as if in a rush to make up for the time it had taken for me to come
to him. I discovered what it was he wanted me to do with my life, a
calling that I both found distressing, yet strangely right; he had asked
me to go into politics, something I'm now studying at university. Then
something very unexpected happened, I met someone, a philosophy student
from Cambridge called Cassie. We talked for about 4 hours and despite
the fact that I was about to go travelling for 5 months, I knew I would
never look at another woman again and decided to be celibate for the
time I was away and hopefully get to know her as well. Although our
sins are forgiven when we repent, we still have to deal with consequences
and even though I was leaving in a matter of days I still had to explain
all that had happened and break up with my girlfriend. It was at this
point that I truly realised the power that the Holy Spirit can have
in a person's life, and although it was a horrible and difficult conversation
to have the Holy Spirit helped me to be as loving and gentle as is possible
even though I knew that whatever I said I was hurting her.
I have been blessed in my
decision to save sex for marriage, and it is truly rewarding to have
a non-physical relationship with Cassie; where before I might have
deflected problems with physical intimacy, I'm now forced to talk
During my travels the Lord continued to refine me by
instilling in me the grace to change the areas of my life which were
not pleasing to him. I soon had stopped smoking marijuana and was trying
to develop a regular prayer life. Perhaps the most precious thing I
received was the courage to talk to people about my faith, and I was
pleasantly surprised to see that people didn't regard me as a freak
or old fashioned, but rather as refreshing and radical. Although I continued
to grow on my travels it was not all easy and at times I really needed
company, but the Lord was teaching me to rely on him and he had given
me all the friendship I needed in Cassie whom I was in regular contact
with over the e-mail. I often wondered whether I was really doing God's
work and if any of the people I talked to would become Christians. Towards
the end of my trip I had a dream, where I saw all the faces of all the
people I had talked to about Jesus and I realised that if just one of
those had listened it would have been worth it for God, such is his
love.
Since I returned my Christian journey has continued
and it would be a lie to say that at times it is not difficult. Going
to University in Exeter was hard as I found myself confronted with people
who were not as willing to talk about God as those who I'd met travelling.
Also I've found that as a charismatic Catholic I didn't really fit in
at either my chaplaincy or Christian union. However the Lord never leaves
me even when I don't speak to him, and he continued to help me with
things so that shortly after going to university I stopped smoking,
swearing and perhaps most importantly in terms of witness, getting drunk.
Equally I have been blessed in my decision to save sex for marriage,
and it is truly rewarding to have a non-physical relationship with Cassie:
where before I might have deflected problems with physicals intimacy,
I'm now forced to talk, as a good friend recently said to me by do this
were 'building our house upon a rock'.
My mum recently told me that I was born to a prayer
and my life was offered to Jesus and I realised that the void I felt
in my life before was because I had been without the only person who
could fill it, the person to whom my life was entrusted. The irony is
of course that this is my life after all, the way it should be, I've
come home and for that I'm eternally grateful.
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