| Living with Depression
Helena Sullivan, who suffers from depression, shares how her faith and her relationship with Christ has helped her to live with this
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that my parents were in the room next door and that I was safe, but this did not stop the darkness being dark and silence being silent. In the same way, in depression, I can still fully believe without a doubt that my Father is with me, and even still believe that He loves me, but it doesn’t stop the darkness being dark, or the silence being silent. I have lived with depression for twenty years and in that time have found that one of its worst aspects is the sense of being alone, that no-one understands what it is like. The remark that if I had true faith then I wouldn’t be depressed is just one of the perhaps well meant, but completely unhelpful comments that fellow Christians have offered me when at my lowest. It IS possible to be a committed Christian, and yet still suffer with depression. We were not promised that deciding to follow Christ would be like taking a happy pill and then floating through life unaffected by any of its troubles and afflictions. With physical pain, there are visible signs of suffering for people to latch onto – an arm in a sling or a leg in plaster, but no one can see the pain of a mind that sees everything in darkness or the pain of feeling so utterly alone that even God seems out of reach.
For years I would turn to Jesus in Gethsemane when at my lowest because there is healing in knowing that you are understood
Because we can “see” how Jesus suffered physically for us we find we can turn to Him for strength and courage when we, too, suffer physically. What is less preached about is the way he suffered mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Maybe people don’t like to think of our Lord as vulnerable. Maybe the stigma attached to mental illness means that to think of Jesus suffering in this way is to taint Him. But look at that word again :stigma – that is where we get the word stigmata from. Jesus didn’t shun any of our suffering. In St Mark’s account of Gethsemane (Mark 14.32-36) he uses stark descriptions for what Jesus went through there: “horror and dismay” came over Him, “My heart is ready to break with grief” He said, before He “went a little further and threw Himself to the ground”. Threw Himself? Jesus is suffering before a single blow has been thrown! In Gethsemane He bore the suffering of “hidden” pain – mentally, emotionally and spiritually. People often think that the way to cheer up depressed people is to tell them to think of those who are worse off than them and realise by comparison that they have no right to feel so low. But if someone close to you is a sufferer, please don’t tell them this. Rather, show them what St Paul tells us to think about “whatever is true..pure..lovely, admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” (Philippians 4.8) Much of coping with depression come down to watching our sense of perspective. Different people have the ability to bear different amounts of suffering and only God knows where our limits are. So we do not keep things in perspective by always comparing our situation with someone else’s, but by reminding ourselves that this life, this world, is not all there is. For years I would turn to Jesus in Gethsemane when at my lowest because there is healing in knowing that you are understood. There is comfort in empathy. More recently Jesus has shown me that in depression, even though I don’t feel it, I am closer to Him than ever. When a lamb is struggling, the Good Shepherd picks her up and carries her, holding her closest of all to His heart. Of course, remembering and believing this at the time is easier said than done: it calls for what I call “raw faith”. Allow Myself To Be Carried I have had to learn to allow myself to be carried. Depression is an illness. Imagine if a rugby player had broken a leg, and his team-mates shouted at him to grab the ball and run down the field with it. It’s the same with depression. I have learnt to be gentle with myself, setting only realistic goals and letting perfectionism take a back seat. My constant prayer is twofold. Firstly thanksgiving. God has blessed me through depression in ways I would never have thought possible. Fr John Woolley, author of the book “I Am With You” said to me recently, “I’m sure you and I would agree that having depression but sharing our Lord is so much better than being largely free of emotional burdens but without His involvement, He chooses our “weakness” to achieve much.” And in love, He has used the depression to steer me closer to Him, with all the blessings that this includes. Turn To Him First Secondly, my prayer is to remember to turn to Him first, before anyone else, as soon as I feel myself slipping downwards again. It is important to turn to others when you can, and not to cut yourself off as is so tempting to do with depression, but try this. Try turning to Him first, before anyone else. Involve Him. He is in you, suffering and weeping with you. So open the door and let Him come into the situation with you. Prayer can seem so difficult and dare I say it – even distasteful at the time, but launch out with just one step and trust in His faithfulness. He will meet you just where you are. Remember: this isn’t a test. He isn’t waiting to see if you drop the ball. He is willing you not to drop it, and wanting to cup His hands around yours and help you carry it. Just ask Him.
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When
I was a child I would often wake up in the middle of the night. I
was afraid of the dark. The silence of the early hours unnerved me.
I would feel unable to move. I was usually too scared to go back to
sleep, and could not relax till the birds started to sing at dawn.
Now I knew 
