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FAITH AT WORK The Challenge to Faith As our society moves more and more away from Christian values, those who take their Catholic Faith seriously can find themselves facing challenges they are unprepared for. Joanna Brown, a midwife shares her experience and how she found herself wrong footed and compromising her beliefs through fear of the consequences
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Then about eleven years ago I went through a lot of domestic problems and I went to see a friend for some advice. She said to me 'Just pray". At that time although I believed in God I never prayed seriously because I felt it was up to Him whether He Helped or not because He knew everything. But that night I had a strange dream and I saw Our Lady and four cherubs and she was saying the same thing to me "pray, pray, pray". I associated Our Lady with the rosary, so I presumed that she was asking me to pray the rosary. I had not said it since school and had even forgotten how to say it. But I couldn't forget the dream so I went to join some of the old ladies who used to say it regularly in the parish after Mass. Then I heard about the New Dawn conference in Walsingham. I felt drawn to go and decided to camp with my children although the youngest was only 18 months old. It was all a new experience for me and I couldn't believe that what I was seeing was the Roman Catholic Church. I was particularly touched during the Mass in the priory grounds where the site of the Little House of Nazareth had been and I cried all through the Mass. It took me about two years to understand why I cried, which I sometimes still do at Mass, because I find the love of Christ so overwhelming there. When I came back home I just yearned for the Eucharist and went to Mass every day and read the Bible all the time. I joined a prayer group and since then, although I have had my ups and downs, I have never left the Lord because life without him would be unthinkable. But then came my moment of challenge and I found out how weak I was. My moment of challenge After 16 years away from midwifery I had just got back into it. I was really pleased as I had just heard that I had passed my refresher course and I was just awaiting the confirmation that I had been put back on the official register. I suppose it's strange but I had never really thought about what I would do if I was asked to assist in an abortion, which was perhaps why I got so wrong footed and confused. I was working in the delivery suite when the midwife who was my mentor came up to me. She had been given the responsibility of taking care of a woman who had been booked in for a therapeutic termination of her pregnancy and she asked me to come with her and help her. She showed me the woman's notes and I saw the problems with the baby. I knew where I stood with social terminations and as nurses we have the right not to participate, but I didn't know where I stood with therapeutic abortions. Deep in my gut I didn't want to be part of it, as I knew this was still a baby's life, but I didn't know what would happen to me if I refused. What would happen if I refused? I loved midwifery and I had really struggled to get back into it. I was worried if I said no, I would not be employed by the unit. I felt as if my mentor was testing me, because she could have called anyone in to help her but she had called me. I don't think she really wanted to do it either and it was as if she was trying to get my approval for her action. She knew I was a Christian and it was as if she thought if Joanna thinks its okay, it's okay. The doctor had already written up the medication, which induces labour early, and although I didn't have to administer it, my mentor wanted me to check the amounts with her. Then she asked me to sign it. This is normal procedure but I was shaking as I picked up the pen. As soon as I had signed I knew I had done the wrong thing. I knew I had been tempted by Satan and given in. I could almost hear him laughing and saying "I've got you now". "It's all right, you don't have to come with me." said the nurse. And I thought "yes... I don't have to administer the drug because I'm already part of it now. She's got what she wants. I'm involved in it." I felt awful. Earlier on I remember the woman had been distraught referring to the baby as "it", which upset me then because I knew the embryo was a life and was not an "it" and I had felt this inner prompting by the Holy Spirit to voice my concerns. But in the end I didn't have the courage because I was too intent on saving my own skin. I was a coward and weak. And that's what hurts. I know I didn't put God first. I didn't put life first. I knew what the right thing was and instead I did the wrong thing. I didn't have the courage I cried all the way home. God had put me back in a job I loved dearly and I had failed Him, failed my first test. It hurt so much. I prayed for all involved and myself during the drive home. That evening I went to talk to a priest about it and he reminded me about Peter who also betrayed Christ but who went on to serve the Lord and this consoled me although not immediately. I believed and accepted God's forgiveness but I had to let Him help me to forgive myself. The whole experience has humbled me. It's made me realise that even though I'm trying to follow Christ it doesn't mean that I'm not going to fall. In the Bible it says that in the last days because of the increase of evil many will fall away from following God. I have often read that passage and thought how could that be possible, but now I know how easy it is and I'm going to be on my guard much more in the future. I have since found out that as a midwife I don't have to take part in therapeutic terminations although I haven't been asked to assist in any since. But now I know where I stand and with God's grace next time I will do it differently. I was also concerned that the woman received no spiritual counselling either before or after the abortion, although the importance of a holistic approach to health is encouraged by the hospital. As a result I approached the hospital chaplain and there's a possibility that he might be able to do something about this in the future, so maybe some good will come out of this. I do ask for prayers for all nurses, midwives and doctors, however, that when they are faced with ethical situations like these, which are growing all the time, they will have the courage to do the right thing and not do what I did.
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