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Home Alone More and more marriages seem to be breaking up these days, even among committed Christians. Below Jean Murphy (not her real name) shares how her seemingly idyllic marriage went wrong and how she has learnt to cope on her own through God’s help
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We were both practising Catholics and decided not to sleep together before we got married, which was hard at times, but we felt it was the right thing. I worked until I became pregnant with our first child, and after that I stayed at home to look after the children. I was quite happy being a wife and mother and giving it my all and luckily we had enough money so I didn’t need to go to work, which I know is not always the case these days. Right from the beginning my husband was always a hard worker and worked very long hours at his business. It was the same with his sports and other interests, which he gave himself to a 100%. In the beginning it didn’t matter as we did these things together, but when the children came along, it wasn’t so easy any more for me to drop everything. I developed a few health problems too. This meant I couldn’t join in the way I did before and I found myself more and more at home with the children, and seeing him less and less, particularly as his business got more and more successful. This started to get to me and I felt we needed to spend more time together but he didn’t seem to want to take this on board. In his family they never talked about issues, so I suppose he didn’t know how to handle discussing negative emotions or problems. He would also always be tired when he came home, and I wasn’t at my most sparky at that time either, which didn’t help matters. Although I wasn’t happy at the situation I didn’t think there was anything too seriously wrong, as all couples go through down patches. And I felt things would pick up when he got less busy. But they didn’t. There are so many people like me these days, but I’ve noticed that those who are coping best are those who have a strong faith and who turn to Jesus in their pain I remember him coming back from one trip, full of it, the things he had done and the people he had met. I started to realise that he was finding other women attractive and they him. I’m sure it was all harmless, but the thought of it started to make me feel insecure in our relationship and I started to lose my confidence in myself. Feeling sad about my marriage, I went to Medjugorje and here I experienced a deeper conversion to God. When I came home I started to go to daily Mass and I tried to live the messages in my life. My husband came with me a couple of times too, but although he believed Our Lady was appearing there, it didn’t challenge him as far as his life went, as it had me. This I suppose helped accentuate the rift between us and I think he felt I had become too religious. On the surface, however, he encouraged me, as I had always supported him in his interests, so he felt he should me. The children and I used to pray the rosary every day. Their friends even started to come and eventually a prayer group evolved in our home. I really believed in the power of prayer and I saw many of my prayers for other people answered, except that for my marriage. I found that very hard and would often ask the Lord what was going on. But I kept faithful. We went for counselling but it wasn’t successful as he didn’t really put his heart into it. I didn’t know what to do, I knew I was losing this man that I really did love. Things continued to get worse. Many of his colleagues were separated and having affairs and he was spending more and more time with them. I felt I couldn’t compete with all the attractive, competent women he came across at work. I was getting more and more suspicious of his lifestyle and relations between us got so bad that we ended up sleeping in separate bedrooms. Even so I was still shocked when a year and a half ago, he told me that he wanted to move out and asked for a separation. I was devastated when he left. I couldn’t stop crying. Only another separated or divorced person knows the kind of pain one feels. I went through all the emotions – anger, unforgiveness, resentment. I couldn’t sleep, I lost my appetite and couldn’t concentrate. I even found it really hard to pray, as every time I tried, all the pain and struggle and emotional stuff would rise up in me. Even so I would still try and sit in front of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and pour out everything to him. Sometimes I would have to leave, however, because it was too painful to remain there. What I found most helpful at this time, was surprisingly confession. I found myself going every week. I had so much emotional baggage to deal with, so much resentment, that it was a tremendous relief to just bring it all to the sacrament and receive healing and cleansing and peace. Having a good confessor at times like this is such a gift. I don’t think I would have survived without it. I also started reading scripture every day. When I was sitting in front of the Blessed Sacrament I would have a thought in my head. I would open the scriptures and there would be exactly the same thing in God’s Word, as if Jesus was speaking directly to me. I cried out to the Lord to please help me to move beyond where I had got stuck, to move me out of sadness to joy and freedom I was also really supported by my friends, some of them were women who had gone through a similar situation, so knew exactly how I was feeling. They listened to me and prayed with me. I felt a terrible failure and blamed myself for the marriage going wrong. Through counselling I got my confidence back and my counsellor helped me to love myself again. I also realised I had to let go which was very hard. It was after Christmas that things changed. I cried out to the Lord to please help me to move beyond where I had got stuck, to move me out of sadness to joy and freedom. And I suddenly found myself with a new rush of grace and interest in life. I changed my hairdresser and got my hair highlighted. I started taking an interest in clothes again and bought a new wardrobe. I was determined to look good for the Lord. Before I left the house, I would look in the mirror and tell myself, “You’re grand.” Of course it is still up and down and there are times when I get upset again, but I’ve found I bounce back quicker. I know too as I’ve become more positive about life, it’s been easier for the children. I try to count my blessings. We are all communicating with him and I still pray for him. I am learning to stand on my own two feet and I have found I have more strength than I thought. The deep wound will always be there but through it all I have discovered my own giftedness and strengths and am trying to live out of that. As a result of all this I have become more self aware now and I think I have more compassion for others. There are so many people like me these days, but I’ve noticed that those who are coping best are those who have a strong faith and who turn to Jesus in their pain. He helps them to hang in and be available to their families and to others in need. Despite the pain I can see amazing growth in all these people, as instead of becoming bitter and being destroyed by what has happened they become better people. God has been really close to me during all this time and my experience has helped me to reflect on what the real meaning of life is, in way I never did when I was younger, when I was too busy for God. There is a lot of goodness in my husband and I still love him. I probably always will. There’s a open door if he wants to come back, but he’s free, and if he doesn’t, that’s okay too, I’ve found out that with God’s help I can manage on my own.
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My
husband and I married 27 years ago. We had a lot in common as we both
loved sports and went out together every night for four years while
we were courting. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world meeting
him. From the moment we met I knew this was the kind of man I wanted
to spend the rest of my life with. We had the same values and I felt
we had a lot going for us. 
