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Romance Disillusionment and Joy |
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Met at fifteen on a blind date, engaged at eighteen, married at twenty - statistically a recipe for disaster, but through the grace of God and being determined to work at our relationship thirty eight years later, here we are with four daughters and two granddaughters and still very much in love. We can honestly say that if we could turn the clock back we would choose to marry each other all over again. Hopefully though, we have learnt from the last thirty-eight years and would not make some of the same mistakes. Although the wedding day signals a new stage in the lives of the couple the newly weds bring with them their past, their history, everything that has shaped and influenced their life up until that point of time. As a consequence life is not a level playing field and marriage does not offer a panacea that overcomes all that has gone before. Marriage itself is cyclical in its very nature. "Marriage itself is cyclical in its very nature" All marriages go through phases which can be described as the commencing phase, the adjusting phase and the maturing phase or to put it another way times of romance, disillusionment and joy. These are not phases that a couple passes through, comes out the other side and moves on, but are cycles that constantly recur in the relationship. In this article and the two others that will appear in the following two issues we will attempt to explore these cycles. In this first article we will consider some foundational thoughts. There are two elements to our marriage that we consider as having been foundational. We have never doubted our love for each other or stopped loving each other, and secondly the vow that our marriage was 'until death do us part' was taken as read. Our awareness and wonder of the Sacrament of Matrimony is something that has been growing and developing - it certainly was not there when we said our 'Yes' to each other all those years ago. This is not intended to sound smug or judgemental. We rejoice with those couples who also have marriages that have lasted but we also share in the pain of others who have not been so fortunate. We have many dear friends in both camps. "The Sacrament of Matrimony is something that has been growing and developing" We will be eternally grateful for something that happened to us after we had been married for about ten years. Through a combination of circumstances we went on a Marriage Encounter weekend which was for us a major conversion experience where we met God and each other in a new way. This weekend opened our eyes to the truth that our marriage was a vocation, something special and not just a state of life that most people enter. We are still learning more and more about this but we hope in this series of articles to share some of the things that we have leamt - often the hard way! One of the first big questions any couple faces is 'How can I be certain that he or she is the right person for me'. Is this the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with? It really is a big question and not one to be taken lightly - in truth it is probably the most far reaching and significant decision that we will face in our lives. "Opened our eyes to the truth that our marriage was a vocation" Having been involved in pre marriage programmes in
a previous parish for around twenty years we still count the handful
of couples that decided to postpone their wedding until they could
be sure about making the commitment as some of the biggest successes. But, what is love? Or perhaps more accurately what does it mean to love another person and allow yourself to be loved in return? There is not a short answer to this. However, if love is perceived as being merely a feeling or emotional response then we are being short-changed. Love goes much deeper than feelings -' love is a decision'. Perhaps to be more accurate it is a series of ongoing decisions to love the other person. It is also a decision to allow ourselves to be loved by our husband or wife in return. It is loving the other even when we don't feel like loving them, or even if we judge that because of their behaviour they do not deserve to be loved! Think about it. To love someone is to give life to that person. Love should be both creative and enduring and is nurtured by our fidelity and commitment to one another. "Love is a decision" What attracts one person to another is a complex equation but there is a basic truth that couples ignore at their peril. It is this - what you see is what you get. Too many times we have heard a husband or wife say 'I thought that they would change after we got married or as time went by'. What they are really saying is 'I thought that I could change him or her to be the person I wanted them to be and it has not happened'. It does not work like that. Please God, that we all mellow and mature as time passes but change our partner we cannot. Only 'I' can change 'me', and even that is a painful process. "Our sexuality can be the glue that binds or a force that divides" 'Male and Female He created them' - it is not unreasonable to assume that God, our Creator knew what he was doing when he created our genders and made us different. He does not do things by accident. As a key part of our gender identity He created our sexuality. Part of that initial attraction that draws us together is sexual attraction, something very beautiful but also very powerful. Our sexuality can be the glue that binds or a force that divides - God planned it to be the former, but sadly it is often hijacked. In the marriage service couples promise to be faithful and loving in good times and in bad, in wealth and in poverty, in sickness and in health. God's grace through the Sacrament of Matrimony is essential but this does not absolve us from constantly seeking ways that will ensure the marriage grows and develops. A wedding is a one off event but marriage is a lifelong journey. In the next article we will explore some of the ways that we allow our romance to be eroded with the result that we are drawn into disillusionment. An antidote/or this is to remember the good times and be prepared to fight to get them back. Never let is be said about a marriage that 'romance is dead'.
Marriage Tip
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