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My Son my Teacher Finding God in Suffering
Denise Curtis shares how caring for her two handicapped children brought her to a deeper relationship with Christ and what she learnt from them
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Both children were now fighting for their young lives, alternating between being tied to endless blood transfusions to stabilise their condition and keep them alive in the short term, and then for a brief time going into a remission period. "Some mornings I scarcely felt like motivating myself to get out of bed" On the route home, I passed by our parish church. As I walked passed the entrance gates, I felt irresistibly drawn into the Church, to just sit in the silence and pray. The intensity of this feeling was so powerful that I reversed the pram and wheeled it inside the gates. I carried Hannah inside the porch. Holy Mass was almost finished. I crept in and sat near the back of the church. Hannah was gurgling happily over my shoulder. At first I began to panic thinking that all the elderly ladies would rush over at the end of Mass, enquiring about Hannah. I was in no mood for conversation so I bowed my head as they left. In my humanity I felt completely crushed and broken. "Please, please help. I can't manage this situation on my own!" I closed my eyes, and from within I felt this overwhelming cry to God that seemed to come from the very depth of my being. I had the experience of my soul soaring to God. It was 11 interior scream to my Heavenly Father. "Please, please, help. I can't manage this situation on my own." I totally surrendered to God in this moment. I now recognised my utter dependency on Him. I was so wholly absorbed that I did not notice that my parish priest had sat down beside me on the bench. At first I tried to ignore him, hoping that he would take the hint and leave. I resented the intrusion. Reluctantly I looked up into his face. "Denise, I have been patiently sitting here waiting. What's wrong?" he asked. "What's wrong?" I thought! I felt like screaming at him, and pounding my 'sts against his chest. I took a deep breath instead. I did not share with him my earlier interior experience. But I began to realise that maybe God had placed him there for a reason and I started to open my heart to him, and everything just poured out. "I felt a new energy and experienced a real joy and hope in my heart" My life became a journey with David, holding his little hand tightly. During that "journey" my heart and soul began to search out the very meaning of life in the deepest core of my being. Strange as it may sound, suffering became the tool that God used to draw me to Himself. Suffering is not a word that is in vogue these days. But slowly, very slowly it became my teacher as it began to open up my spirit to finally surrender and reach out to God for His Divine Help when my own human resources began to dwindle. He responded to my utter need. My son David became my teacher. He had a special spirit which was coloured by a rainbow of experiences of life. Many of these experiences were painful dark hues, but nonetheless he used them to deepen in maturity, love and generosity. His was an ordinary life, filled at time with pain, even frustration, but also precious moments of ecstatic joy and a sheer exuberance for a life that is fully lived. He had an inner freedom resulting from a close communion with God deep in his heart. I learned that joy can be found even in the darkest of places. "He was in heaven for his tenth birthday" David's life began to decline when he was close to his tenth birthday. He no longer tore around with his brother and sister but was much quieter. Physically we could see he was fading away, but he had a growing serenity and maturity. It was almost as if I saw him being transfigured before my eyes. It was still hard for him, however. "Mum I don't want to be attached to this drip on my birthday", he blurted out one evening whilst attached to a blood transfusion. The Lord must have heard his plea. He was in heaven for his tenth birthday. In the same way David had courageously faced life, accepting what came to him, so at the end he met death with only peace and trust. I will always remember the final words of the parish priest at David's packed requiem Mass. "God only permitted him to live a relatively short time, but it seemed in that time he has done a lifetime's work. David, despite his little limp, and his impish grin always seemed to be in a hurry. He was always on the run; he has run into the arms of Christ. It is not too often that little Davids pass through our world, but when they do we ought to take time to appreciate them. They teach us about how life really is. They are special loved ones of God." "Looking back I realise how blessed I have been" When Hannah neared her tenth birthday, she too began to wane. It seemed she was following David down the same path. An initial search on bone-marrow registers around the world proved fruitless. However, a year later, almost miraculously a donor appeared on The Anthony Nolan Trust Register and she was given the gift of life through a bone marrow transplant through an unrelated donor. Looking back I realise how blessed I have been in having David as my son and for everything that has happened to me and for all God has done for me. The Lord pulled me out of my dark pit into His light and love and has continued to fill me with His peace and strength more powerfully than I could have every imagined.
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How
do you cope in life and whom do you turn to when two out of your three
children are diagnosed with a life threatening disease? Our family
was faced with such a dilemma. Our eldest son Ian was born healthy.
But when David was born thirteen months later, he had multiple problems
including a cleft lip, a diagnosis of paralysis affecting his right
hand side, and more seriously aplastic anaemia. Life became very Hannah
was born five years later and also diagnosed with aplastic anaemia.
The prognosis for both of them was devastating. Children with aplastic
anaemia rarely live beyond their teenage years without the gift of
a bone-marrow transplant.
David
first went into remission when Hannah was a baby which was just as
well as I had my hands full with her as she needed six weekly blood
transfusions. I struggled on a day to day basis to just keep going.
Some mornings I scarcely felt like motivating myself to get out of
bed to face yet another day. Everything was a My GP could see the
inner turmoil that was going on within me and offered me medication
to help to pull me through this phase. Whether I was just stubborn
or could not fully evaluate the real state of my emotional and mental
health, I refused medication. I felt there had to be another answer
somewhere. One morning I walked the boys to school. I was feeling
particularly low this day, and I avoided eye contact with the other
mothers in the playground. I was sick of answering the same questions
about Hannah's health. I intended on the way home to go shopping for
a few groceries. 
I
walked out of the church with a new lightness and seemed to fly up
the hill on wings. I felt a new energy and experienced a real joy
and hope in my heart. I later came to understand that this was a conversion
experience. It changed my whole attitude to life.