Coping with Disillusionment
Geoff and Gina Poulter who run the Catholic
Bible School and who have been married for 38 years, continue their
series on Christian marriage and how to get the most out of it. Part
two of a series of three articles.
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“Marriage was God’s idea There is a poster hanging on the wall in a friend's house [in their loo actually!] that we noticed recently. It is a poster about marriage that ends with this quote "Marriage is not about marrying the right person but being the right partner". In the first article of this series we began to explore the cyclical nature of the marriage relationship, and how marriages all go through the commencing, adjusting and maturing phases, or put another way times of romance, disillusionment and joy. Phases that recur over and over again - but phases that can either build the relationship or break it, depending on how they are handled by the couple. The reality is that almost every couple begins their marriage at the same point - they love each other. "Disillusionment was knocking on the door of our marriage" Why is it that divorce, separation, infidelity are more common than long term committed marriage relationships? Sadly being a Catholic or a member of another Christian church does not seem to provide a passport to marital success. There is virtually no difference between Christian and non-Christian marriage statistics. It is not as if the marriage ceremony looks at the prospects of a lifetime together through rose coloured spectacles. It makes the point that there will be good times and others that are more difficult So, perhaps one of the root causes for disillusionment is a false picture of what the reality of marriage will be. For us, getting married at twenty, we were brimming over with hope and expectations for our future. We were different to everyone else - our marriage was going to be just perfect - and why not, we were young, crazy and in love. That euphoria did not last. The little things that used to be quaint and attractive in the other person were no longer attractive but a cause of irritation. Disillusionment was knocking on the door of our marriage. One thing is for certain we had no real understanding of what was happening and at the time no thought of seeking help. "Baggage from former lives brought into marriage" What we have come to realise, and have become increasingly aware of, is that none of us entering into marriage embark on this new life with a blank canvas before us. Everyone brings his or her own baggage into the marriage. Most of us grow up and develop within a family environment. A family where the parental relationship exists in an imperfect state. It is in this environment we absorb at first hand attitudes and ideas about marriage as we witness the behaviour of our parents and other couples. Many aspects of these relationships we embrace, but other aspects we reject. So the new husband and the new wife bring to the relationship the 'baggage' of their lives, each with their own 'no-go' areas. We are like icebergs - only a small part of our whole self is visible above the water line. There is far more of the iceberg and ourselves that is hidden and often not even acknowledged. Our 'baggage' is lurking beneath the surface ready to grind against anyone who gets close to us, and that includes the person most close to us. Perhaps the following diagram explains this more clearly.
Factors Influencing Relationships If we want to be successful at something such as sport, losing weight, learning a skill or language we all know that we have to work at it and put in extra effort. Sadly, many married couples are not prepared to put in the same investment into their own relationship. They will sacrifice so much for their children and yet not make the sacrifices needed to enrich marriage. The best gift any father can give to his children is to love their mother, and the best gift a mother can give to her children is to love their father. "We need to be constantly working on our relationship" We need to be constantly working on our relationship and be aware of the foundational building blocks of our marriage. Love, Trust, Respect or Honour, and Understanding or Knowledge. What we have found is that of these, Love is the most enduring. Trust is very often the most fragile, Respect or Honour can very easily become the most neglected and that without any doubt Understanding or Knowledge is the one that takes longest. We know from hard experience that we ignore these building blocks at our peril. Our sexuality, our gender to be more precise, has a part to play in the area of disillusionment. We read in the Catechism of the Catholic Church that "God gives man and woman equal personal identity ..." [CCC 2333] which is of course foundational to the marriage relationship. Yet he made us male and female. This very statement suggests that although equal, we are very different - and so we are. "...although equal we are very different" Some of the key causes of disillusionment are often based in our lack of understanding about the differences arising from our genders. Try this little exercise as a couple, how do you fit in to these broad categorisations listed below? Be warned - often our partner can see us more clearly than we see ourselves! In our own experience and when working with other couples we have found that the lack of awareness or attention to these gender differences creates opportunities for mi sunderstandings. We discovered this aspect of gender characteristics after many years in our marriage and were able to recognise how many of our difficult times were caused by each of us responding because of our own characteristic and being oblivious to the fact that it was the opposite of the other person. We don't have space for details but use your imagination to picture characteristic number six - the home. Contrast the desire for a deep meaningful conversation with a desire to switch off and flop out! Has anyone else reading this been there? "Made to fit together" What is amazing though, is how these gender differences actually complement each other. It is as if we are made to fit together. Who said we don't have a clever God! Over the years we have learnt through hard lessons that communication is the key. How do we improve communication within our marriage? We can seek to:
Christian marriage is intended to be a reflection of the very nature and purpose of God - quite a challenge for all of us. Christian marriage is reflective of His nature [Genesis 1:26-27 - made in His image and likeness]; it is reflective of His purpose [Genesis 1:28-30 dominion and kingdom] and a profound [great] mystery [Ephesians 5:2) St. John Chrysostom says about marriage "The two have become one. This is not an empty symbol. They have not become the image of anything on earth but of God himself'. We would love to be able to tell you that after thirty-eight years we have found all the answers and got on top of all the problems - we wish! Its not like that and never will be. But, it is about trying harder; it is about getting up every time we fall down. It's also about being able to laugh at ourselves and recognise how foolish we can be at times. "Marriage is not about marrying the right person but being the right partner" is where we began this article - getting through the disillusionments is more often than not a time for each of us to make sure we are the right partner.
Common Characteristics of Men
Geoff and Gina Poulter are available to run days and
weekends on marriage for parishes and groups. There will be a day for
married couples and those contemplating marriage at the Catholic Bible
School next year on Saturday 25th May. Contact them for further details
at Catholic Bible School, Nutbourne House, Farm Lane, Nutbourne, Chichester,
W. Sussex P018 8DS. Tel 01243 371766 |
