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Geoff and Gina Poulter - who run the Catholic Bible School and have been married for 38 years - in this final part of their series explain how Christian Marriage is a school of holiness which brings joy to those who persevere
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Finding
Joy in Marriage|
When you give talks on marriage or write articles like this, people can sometimes imagine that we know all the answers and that our relationship has really arrived. This is far from the truth. Gina and I find ourselves constantly travelling through the three phases of Romance, Disillusionment and Joy that we have been writing about in this series. The reason is simple, even after thirty-eight years we are still making mistakes and we are still learning. Sadly, even when we overcome old behaviours that are the cause of division in our relationship, new ones surface. The real challenge facing us and all married couples is to recognise that the 'joy' we are seeking is not found in a 'fairytale ending', but in the daily living out of our lives facing the challenges and pressures of everyday life. This living in joy is about reclaiming a little of what God originally intended for us. God does not just promise us temporary happiness; in fact the Bible assumes difficulties will come our way. However, God does promise lasting joy for all those who believe in him. This kind of joy stays with us and sustains us despite our difficulties ("Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy" James 1:2) "JOY - What is it?" The dictionary defines 'joy' as "a deep feeling or condition of happiness or contentment." The 'joy' that we are speaking about is something that is much deeper than a simple emotion. It has a depth that finds its roots in real intimacy. If 'joy' is rooted in intimacy we need to consider what is meant by intimacy. Let's not fall into the trap of mistaking it for sex, it is something much deeper than even that great gift from God. Intimacy is hard to define but it could be said to be 'that wonderful feeling that comes from knowing that someone is Number One in your life and that same someone is deeply concerned about what is happening to you, that they appreciate you for who you are and respect what you hold as very sacred'. "Willingness to suffer with or for the other" This mirrors a two-part definition of what love is. The first part is the willingness to affirm the other, to take delight in who that person is. The second part is the willingness to suffer with or for the other person. It's the times that we love each other at this level that we create intimacy and we experience 'joy'. One of the mugs hanging in our kitchen that we use for our early morning cup of tea has this inscribed on it "Not only do I love you but you're my best friend". In his book 'The Great Investment', T D Jakes writing about marriage says "Life is like a puzzle: amid these oddly shaped pieces there are two that fit each other. They don't fit because they are perfect, they fit because they are perfect for each other. Apart, they are two pieces without definition; together they compliment each other and take on meaning. This is the joy of marriage, the coming together of two damaged souls lost on a sea of reality, who, when they find each other, become mutual life jackets, keeping each other afloat." It's when we are being 'mutual lifejackets' that we experience 'joy'. Lifejackets do their job only when they are inflated, put a hole in them or tear them and they rapidly become ineffective and in a real life situation would become a liability rather than a blessing. Sadly it's all too easy for us to allow this to happen in our relationships. One area that we have found to be particularly damaging is that of competitiveness, and to be honest it took us a while to recognise this. In part this is rooted in the 'gender differences' that we wrote about in the second of our articles, but it is also part of an unconscious drive to prove ourselves, usually in areas where we feel vulnerable or unappreciated. "Competitiveness in relationship" Over the years there have been a number of areas where there has been 'competitiveness' in our relationship and no doubt some of them still exist to a larger or lesser extent. Without a doubt as our marriage finds itself adjusting to changes in the stages of our lives together then new areas will emerge. Here are some areas that we have experienced. We would encourage readers to take time as they reflect on these. It is very easy to be dismissive and say 'not me' or 'does not apply' or even 'so what', but we will come to that later. Here are some of those areas:
We could go on but hopefully you will take
time to reflect on your own attitudes and your marriage and prepare
your own lists. This is a process that is not without pain, but it need not be a lonely experience. Couples are called to be open to each other so that they can help, support and encourage one another in this process - this is where they will experience 'joy' in its fullest sense. Married love teaches
us selflessness. Married love teaches
us humility. Married love teaches
us fidelity. Married love teaches
us the importance of little things. Married love could
be described as 'a school of Christian holiness'. What is joy for us? Its looking back over thirty eight years, acknowledging that there have been many times that we have not made the right choices, many times that we have tripped or stumbled on the journey and yet being very aware that we have always managed to help each other up, dust ourselves down and make a fresh start. More than that though, the joy is knowing that we have not done this alone or in our own strength. It has only been possible through God's grace that we receive through our Sacrament of Matrimony. We read a quote that said; "marriage is a holy relationship, the union of two sparks of God's own light". Each spark however, has to be fanned into a flame if it is to stay alight - sparks in themselves don't last. Joy is found in the fanning of the flame and not simply sitting back and reflecting on the blaze. We would like to finish by simply praising and thanking God for the gift of our marriage. We pray for ourselves, all married couples and those who will marry in the future with words from St Paul " Mav the Lord make your hearts firm, so that you may stand before our God and Father holy and faultless when our Lord Jesus Christ comes with those who are his own ". (1 Thess 3:13)
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