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Pat Collins C.M., a popular author and retreat giver
from All Hallows in Dublin, writes about the difficulties that can happen
when one partner in a marriage starts to develop spiritually and the
other one doesn't and starts to feel left behind.
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An
unequal yoke|
Abraham Maslow, a well known psychologist indicated that human beings are motivated by a hierarchy of needs. Once the basic ones have been satisfied, such as safety, a sense of belonging and self-esteem, people become more aware of a higher need for self-actualization. It is mainly satisfied by means of peak experiences, especially of the religious kind. In our relatively wealthy society where many basic needs have already been satisfied, there seems to be a growing number of people who are trying to satisfy their higher needs. I see it in All Hallows College where I teach. Most of my students are middle-aged, married people, who may have opted for early retirement. They are motivated by a desire for a deeper experience and understanding of their Christian faith. They say such things as, "Up to now I have been nurturing others, now it's my time to be nurtured myself." I have observed something similar in the Charismatic Renewal. People who attend prayer meetings, Life in the Spirit seminars and conferences, usually do so in order to mature in their relationship with God, their inner selves and other people. , In this article, I want to explore a possible downside of spiritual growth in the lives of married people. I first became aware of this problem in the late 70's when a lay leader of the Charismatic Renewal talked about "the unequal yoke." He went on to explain: "If a husband or wife experiences a spiritual awakening and subsequent spiritual growth, it may lead to stress and strain in their relationship due to a lack of mutual understanding and communication." I have since come to appreciate what an insightful observation that was. An unequal yoke can take a number of forms. "Non Church going husband" Mary's husband Maurice is a non church going agnostic with a secular world view. Following her baptism in the Spirit, many of the experiences Mary shared with Maurice seemed like incomprehensible gobbledygook to him. As St Paul explained: "The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned" 1 Cor 2:14. When Mary told me about her communication problem, I began to appreciate just how lonely and painful it can be when one's partner cannot empathize with one's cherished spiritual experiences, values and beliefs. "Feelings of inferiority" When Damian began to develop in a psycho-spiritual way, he was surprised to find that his new found maturity evoked envy in Dorothy, his wife. In the light of her husband's obvious spiritual growth, she suffered from an unacknowledged feeing of inferiority. Instead of applauding Damien's progress Dorothy resented it. Unconsciously she make invidious comparisons while seeming to say, "1 can see that spiritually you are bypassing me. I hate you for making me feel second best. Why can't you revert to your old, less spiritual, ways, when you were mediocre like me?" "Co-dependent Relationship" Sandra and Paul's, neurotic relationship was based on a mutual, preoccupation with the satisfaction of unmet personal needs. Instead of saying "I need you because I love you," they implicitly say, "I love you because I need you." This co-dependent type of relationship worked, as long as the couple remained much the same. But when Sandra began to mature in a psycho-spiritual way, as a result of attending a renewal course, Paul began to become very uneasy. He often complained: "1 don't know why you have to attend all those meetings. You are becoming a religious fanatic and neglecting me. Surely love begins at home." At one stage he went so far as to order Sandra not to go to any more renewal courses! "Reluctance to leave comfort zone" When David and Irene married they had a lot in common. But from the beginning Irene was more willing to take the road less travelled, from a spiritual point of view. For his part, David, who came from a dysfunctional family, was reluctant to leave his familiar comfort zones. Not surprisingly, they grew apart. Deep down David felt intimidated by the fact that Irene had found a new source of interest and energy outside their marriage. He responded in a paranoid way as if Irene was having an affair. This kind of irrational reaction led to a number of acrimonious rows. Irene told me that, on one occasion, David felt so unsettled by her new found assurance, contentment and spiritual insight that he went so far as to ask her: "Are you going to leave me?" "Constructive Responses" How should a "spiritual" spouse respond to typical problems like these? Firstly, it's not good to capitulate to a partner's unjustifiable insistence that she or he should abandon their spiritual pursuits. That said, husbands and wives have to make sure that they strike a reasonable balance between their right to foster their spirituality and their duty to devote sufficient time to their spouse and family. Sadly, we have all known married people who have used a questionable notion of spirituality as an excuse for escaping from demanding domestic problems. Secondly, if a rift develops between a "spiritual" person and his/her spouse, as a result of psycho-spiritual development, he or she needs to be cautious when forming a heterosexual friendship with a person who is on the same spiritual wavelength as themselves. What begins in the spirit can easily end in the flesh (CfMt 26:41). Thirdly, it is important that those whose spiritual growth evokes a sense of insecurity, resentment or anger, should try to patiently empathize with their spouse. Not only can this emotional understanding and loving reassurance assuage feelings, such as loss, suspicion and alienation, they can lead an antagonistic spouse to accept and even support their partner's spiritual quest, although they don't seem to share in it themselves (Cf 1 Pt 3:3-4). "Vicarious Spirituality" I know that some married people are mainly aware of the negative
aspects of the scenarios already described. As a more objective observer,
I'm convinced that they often fail to grasp two important points.
To start with, some of those who experience a particular kind of spiritual
awakening, e.g. of a charismatic kind, tend to have a fundamentalist,
one-dimensional view of what spirituality is. As a result the "spiritual"
partner may fail to appreciate the fact that his or her spouse is
more religious than he or she imagines (Cf Mt 7:21-23). Furthermore
a marriage is essentially a relationship. So, if one partner changes
as a result of repeated infillings of the Spirit, he or she will inevitably
influence the other, albeit in an unconscious way. I believe that
the apparently "less spiritual" partner often experiences
his or her spiritual aspirations and growth, in a vicarious way, in
and through the more overt spirituality of the spouse. So if you have
to bear an unequal yoke, accept it, with God's help, as part of the
Lord's providential plan for you and the one you promised to love,
for better or for worse, until death do you part. Goodnews would be interested
in people's response to this article!! |
