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An unequal yoke: your response!
A few months ago Fr Pat Collins in his article "The unequal yoke" described what can happen to married couples when one has some kind of conversion or deepening experience in their faith and the other doesn't. He asked readers to respond. Below we reproduce some of the replies we got.
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I am responding to your invitation to give my reactions to your article about "An unequal yoke" in Goodnews. I thought it was lovely, specially the final paragraph. I'm an Anglican. My yoke is a fairly light one, as my husband is a church goer, but has held back from a deeper relationship with God since I experienced it in 1980. I do pray about it, and specially because I think it holds the key to the beliefs (anti at present) of my 4 children, their spouses and my grandchildren. I shall just have to be patient like the importunate widow and the unjust judge. Jane
Dear Goodnews, I don't usually reply to articles but the "An unequal yoke" article in the last magazine really struck a chord with me. I have been married for forty years to an Anglican, who has been unwilling to talk about faith in any form for most of these years. He has been wonderfully supportive in allowing me to bring the four children up in the Catholic faith. Stresses came and yes I found a neighbour with whom I could talk about my awakening faith and during the next ten years it was a roller coaster ride, or as I describe, on and off the roundabout. Why are we still together and happily married? I discovered fairly recently that my husband feels that he was blackmailed by the Catholic Church to sign up that our children would be brought up as Catholics and he does not like being blackmailed. He likes the Catholics priests that he has met and my friends but not the Faith. We had no marriage preparation to speak of. He has been 100% supportive when I have been very involved in my faith, but steadfastly refused to "join in". I used to pray for him to become a Catholic. I now realise that my prayers have changed and I pray for him to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It is being revealed to me that he has had this relationship all along, but has been unable to talk about it. He also admitted very recently that I had moved on and that he was "afraid" of doing the same. He is now involved in his church, praise the Lord, and we are happier now that we have ever been. The Lord rewards faithfulness but we need others to step out and help us when we are crying silently. My friend was called David and I have no idea where he is now but he was obviously close to the Lord all those years ago and recognised my pain. I feel truly blessed today. Thank you for the article. Mary
Dear Goodnews, Brian: I read with some interest, the article written by Pat Collins about the difficulties that can happen when one partner in a marriage develops spiritually and the other one doesn't ("An Unequal Yoke"). My wife Ruth has always been a devout Catholic and as a Non-Catholic I accepted that her commitment would outstrip my rather laid back Anglican upbringing. However, some years ago she went headlong into Charismatic Renewal. She used to go to numerous prayer meetings and conferences, which quite often would result in returning home very late at night. Not only was this cold body coming into my warm bed but this body could not settle and would be dying to tell me all about the evening. Time seemed to be of no importance. I resented this for a number of reasons. I was worried for her safety. I had to go to work in the morning, so did not take kindly these late night interruptions. I could not understand why she was doing this. I felt superfluous and left out because she appeared to be having such a good time - without me! In short for every step she was striding forward in faith, I was taking two steps back. Then one day at a conference at Newman College, Birmingham, Ruth heard someone talking about Colossians 3:18-4:1, where it stated that a wife should be submissive to her husband. When she came home, she suddenly announced that she would continue to attend all Masses, as was her duty as a Catholic, but would ask me if she could attend any meetings outside the regular parish events. If I were to say no, she would not go. Ironically, I found myself becoming more tolerant and she appeared to be more aware of some of my concerns, such as her personal safety. In reality, I did not have to impose any curfews. In fact I now accompany her to some prayer groups and help her with the musical side of prayer and praise. While it is unlikely that I will ever be at the same spiritual level as Ruth, nevertheless, I have stopped taking two paces back and we continue with the journey of faith, joy and discovery together. Ruth: When I came into Renewal in 1984, I could not get enough of being with like minded people and worshipping God. I wanted Brian to find the joy that I had found and tried hard to show him. After that day at the conference, I realised that I was not being obedient to God or my husband. In submitting to him, I found a new type of freedom. Brian and I have continued to grow not only spiritually but as a couple. We celebrate 35 years of marriage this year. Brian and Ruth
I was baptised a Catholic but my family were totally lapsed. There was no religion in my life until I was 9 years of age when a neighbour offered to take me to church and for instruction at the local convent so that I could be confirmed and make my First Holy Communion. She also began to take my sister who was three years younger. My sister and I instantly loved the Church and when our short instruction was completed we went to church each Sunday on our own. I married a man who belonged to a practising Irish Catholic
family. My three children were brought up in the Church and went to
Catholic schools, my two sons were altar boys. I couldn't have asked
for more. I always saw my husband as the one who was superior in the
faith, and myself as inferior. A few months later I was at a church meeting when a woman invited the people present to go to a Day of Renewal. I didn't know what this meant, but I thought a day to myself would be nice and I accepted her invitation. We arrived at the Holy Name Church in Manchester and there were crowds of people pouring into the Church. Straight away the woman took me to the piety stall and began buying things for me. We sat down in the church and I was overcome by her generosity and remorse for my own selfishness. Tears ran down my face and I began telling God how sorry I was for my sins. I had never felt so genuinely sorry in my life before. This continued throughout the morning as the Lord continued to show me things about myself and my life. Although I wasn't prayed over, the next morning I woke very early and I found a voice praising God within me. I was filled with such peace, joy and love. My family were all amazed when I told them what had happened to me. I found the Mass came alive and I understood it, prayer came alive, scripture came alive, Jesus came alive, God as my Father came alive, Mary came alive. I was born again. I had been baptised in the Holy Spirit. I naively thought this had happened to everyone at the meeting and my husband came with me to the next meeting so he could receive it, but it didn't happen. We began going to charismatic meetings and prayer groups together, but as time went on my husband became disillusioned with the whole thing. He stopped going to anything charismatic and became very critical, even if I was reading a religious book it irritated him. He said he wanted me to be like I used to be and told me that "I couldn't love God until I loved him enough". My heart was broken. I tried to do what he wanted and I removed all the religious pictures and ornaments which I had placed around the house since my conversion experience. I didn't pray and hardly went to church. I tried to push God out of my life, but I was dead inside myself and I walked around like a zombie. One day all the religious objects were replaced not by my husband but by my children. I began to go to meetings again this time with my new found charismatic friends. Over a period of time my husband became more distant and more aggressive and he began to drink more. I eventually felt I didn't even like him and he acted as if he didn't like me. Quite out of the blue he had a mild stroke and he found that he had heart trouble. He had to give up drinking and smoking. When he was on the road to recovery he became more involved at our local church in a way he never had before. He began helping the priest in different ways, serving at Mass, training altar servers, always being there for the priest when needed. He began to visit the sick at home and in hospital. His aggression disappeared and he was happy serving the Lord in the way which was right for him. He is quite happy now and so am I and we are closer than we have been in a long time. Ann
Dear Goodnews, I was really interested and touched by the article in the March/April issue "An Unequal Yoke". Perhaps my experience could be of help to some.. my husband is a non believer. I am a practising Roman Catholic and have observed that, as my faith has evolved through the years, so has my husband's spirituality - even though he remains a non-believer in God, he is evolving and deepening. It is interesting that we seem to be going parallel ways! But I have needed other Christians, contacts with them have been strengthening and humbling. Whatever the denomination there will be Christians with whom one can relate deeply and meaningfully. At Mass I often say "Lord I am not worthy… but only say the word and WE shall be healed", meaning me and my husband. And not long ago I asked a priest to give me a special blessing, for my husband. He did, and it was quite moving for me. One needs support: friends, church, a Christian counsellor if one has problems, but I guess it is mostly one's own turning to the Lord for healing, help and comfort that enables things to evolve and go well. Yours Christine
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