Internet Dating & Speed Dating - is it okay for Christians?

Internet dating
&
Speed Dating

Is it okay for Christians?

Goodnews looks at some of the modern ways that people meet each other.

One of the problems facing committed Christians is that they often don’t meet many people who share their values in the course of their normal every day lives. Most people meet their other halves through work or shared interests of some kind and if very few people share your interests the pool from which to choose a marriage partner becomes very small. The more committed a Christian you are, the smaller this pool often becomes. How far should you go to find your soul mate? Is it enough to just go to church and hope you will meet Miss/Mr Right there or should you be more pro-active?

More and more singles in today’s society, including Christians, are turning to the internet and things like speed dating in an effort to find the right person to marry. Veronica, a committed Catholic and professional in her 30s, says that she thinks it is unrealistic when people tell her she will meet her dream man at the parish. “It might be possible, but not likely, you just have to look at the demographics. Most people in church tend to be either women, married or older people. If you want to get married I think you have to make some kind of effort. You can’t just sit at home and expect Mr Right to knock at your door. You have to actively co-operate with God’s plan.”

“I think nowadays lots of single people would like to meet someone nice and whereas before people went to dances and someone would come up and ask you to dance and you would get chatting, now, because of the kind of social venues that are popular, you could go out and no one would talk to you all night. And if you are at a late bar or something, you are never quite sure what people’s intentions are. In the past there was an acceptable code of behaviour, but now it is hard to meet someone like-minded and people don’t get talking in the same way. You can’t just chat to someone anymore. I’m a friendly outgoing person, but sometimes I would be worried about initiating a conversation with a guy I didn’t know in case he got the wrong idea. Just because I’m friendly doesn’t mean I’m easy. This all makes it more complicated.”

She has been unafraid to try anything - blind dates, speed dating and introduction agencies. (see across for her experiences of speed dating). She comments, “I see all these things as tools that are there to use. God gives us free will and it is up to you whether you chose to behave responsibly and morally and in a Christian fashion. Various friends of mine have found their husbands through these means so I’m open to using them.”

Is the click factor important?

She admits that so far, through these methods, she hasn’t found someone whom she shares similar values and faith with, and with whom she has also found the “click” factor. As she gets older, however, she is beginning to wonder if “ the ultimate romance” factor is as important as she once thought it was, particularly as two friends of hers have recently married very happily and successfully without this.

In an effort to help like minded committed Catholics to at least get in contact with each other, Catholic publisher, Anthony Buono set up his internet dating website www.avemaria.singles.com. Now married, Anthony remembers finding it difficult to be single. “It was very hard to meet people dedicated and attracted to sharing their faith”. He comments, “I thought that the internet would be the perfect way to create a forum for these people to meet, so I designed a site for a minority.” Internet dating can be risky and open to predators, as people can claim to be whoever they want because of the anonymity of the medium. The aim of Avemaria.singles.com, however, is simply to facilitate introductions between like- minded people rather than encourage them to spend hours on the net in virtual relationships. Their methodology, moreover, would seem to screen out the worst element among casual surfers. Not only are those who sign up asked for a $200 sign up fee (a once only charge) but members have to provide a testimony about their spiritual and doctrinal beliefs, as well as giving the normal details about family and interests. Members also have to agree to accept Catholic teaching not only in the area of pre-marital sex, but also in natural family planning once they are married. Also, if people are divorced, they are only allowed to sign up if their marriages are annulled and are free to marry again in the Catholic Church.

The results of the site seem pretty impressive for a small organisation. On its web site it claims that despite having only 10,062 members, it has achieved 453 marriages, and has 186 engaged couples and 1126 people in ongoing relationships. Buono comments, “I personally pray we will one day be out of business because online dating will have become unnecessary. There is desperate need for community and environments that single people can meet someone like themselves.” He agrees that the impersonal nature of using a computer to meet someone is something some people find strange and empty. “It is unnatural,” he admits. But given the need and the popularity of such sites, he feels it is imperative to offer a safe Catholic alternative. The upside of internet dating he says is that “it brings back the ancient, wholesome concept of “letter writing”. Even so on the site there are cautions, warning members not to give out personal details and addresses until they are sure of the person they are writing to. The company have also started to organise holidays, retreats, pilgrimages and cruises too for people to meet in a more conventional setting.

If committed Catholics felt led to go along the internet dating route, it would seem that sites like Avemaria.singles.com are certainly a better and safer option than many secular sites from which you can hear some real horror stories. There certainly can’t be many internet web sites, moreover, which even have two priests on hand as spiritual directors available to answer members spiritual queries and problems. Although its members are world wide, the majority of Avemaria members live in the United States, and Buono says that people who want to get married have to be prepared to perhaps move country or at least state if they want to find the right person. This he says should not be surprising, as it is precisely because people have not been able to find anyone in their vicinity, that they are unmarried and still looking.

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Veronica, an outgoing professional young woman in her 30s, shares her experience of “Speed Dating”, one of the latest ways that have emerged in big cities to meet people.

Initially I had seen it on TV and people were talking about it at work. In the past people might have looked down their noses at this but there was a sense from everyone that it was a bit of a laugh and if it worked why not. I think people today are much more open to different ways of meeting people.

I think speed dating is simply a structure. It is solving a problem - you are meeting a lot of people in a short space of time with no strings attached. I was all for it. I thought if I was willing to give it a go, there must be other genuine people there too. I didn’t want to go on my own, however, so a small group of us went together. It wasn’t specifically a Christian thing. It was held in a hotel and there were about 300 people there. It cost about £20. There were equal numbers of men and women. It made me realise that fellows often find it just as hard to get dates as girls. It must be hard to summon up the courage to ask someone out. Here it was made easier for everyone.

You were divided into groups according to age and sat at these big long tables. Girls on one side and guys on the other. You told your name and chatted for three minutes. Then the bell rang and the guy moved on and another one came. You each had a bit of paper and if you liked the look of someone you indicated with a tick mark that you wouldn’t mind them having your phone number or email. There was one guy we all agreed seemed nice. He ended up asking one of my friends out. When he rang and asked her out, she wasn’t quite sure about whether to go or not, but she did. She didn’t think it was going anywhere, but she discovered he was really nice and now they are married!

She has never said to us, not to tell how they met, but I notice she has never volunteered this to people, so we have kept our mouths shut about it. I suppose it’s because it is not the most romantic way of meeting someone and she feels a bit embarrassed about it now. But because they found each other through it they are very positive about speed dating generally and are always on at me to go again.

Some people might find it a bit intimidating and worry that no-one will tick them but it didn’t bother me. Although I don’t know how I would have felt if I had had no ticks at all. That evening I got three matches, which meant that three of the guys I ticked, also ticked me. Out of that I went out with one of them. In many ways he was very nice, but from my point of view we just didn’t click. It didn’t put me off though. My brother has also done it where he lives and he was very positive about it. The craze for it though seems to have died down a bit. Maybe people were disappointed that it wasn’t more fruitful for them.

In the past I have also joined Catholics Unattached. They send you a list of profiles of Catholics in UK and Ireland. I know someone who met her husband through this. Through it I did get friendly with a guy, and we would chat on the phone quite a lot. It lasted about 6 months but as we both lived very far from each other there wasn’t any future in it and it ended.

A friend of mine also arranged a blind date for me with another Catholic friend of hers. She thought because we were both Catholic we would be bound to click. He was very nice but was totally freaked out when I took him to a Charismatic event. It made me realise that it’s not enough to just share your Catholic faith. I’d like to think that I will meet someone one day, but I aim to live a full and active life and to make the best of whatever God brings be it as a single or married person.