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Singleness, Relationships
Monika Metel interviews Fr Mike Gwinnell, a retired priest and Christian counsellor for his views on the single life. |
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Monika Metel: People who live on their own are often not very happy. Do we have to have a partner to be happy in our lives? Mike Gwinnell: Our nature is such that we only flourish if we have good relationships, and people are generally not happy unless their relationships are working well. But I wouldn’t say that relates particularly to marriage. If people have good relationships and they are not married, they tend to manage ok, whereas if their experience when they were growing up was not very good, particularly if there was a conflict between their parents, very often they are not very good at making relationships and this is what leads to unhappiness. And if people who don’t manage relationships very well get married, unfortunately marriage doesn’t make them happy either. MM: Would you say that happiness depends more on general relationships – having friends -than on having a girlfriend or boyfriend? MG: I’m not sure
I would use “happiness” as the measure of whether things are
right in your life. One can meet many people who are unhappy for a time
with their friends or the person they are married to but they will still
say they are contented with their way of life and at peace on the whole
with their surroundings. And as far as I can see people find life worthwhile
if they are living it because of a person, or group of people. Particular
circumstances may diminish a person’s happiness: being out of work
or under pressure, a row in the family etc but they can still have a
sense that they are in the right place in our lives, that their life
has meaning. 1 - “The need of a significant other” MM: If others give the meaning to our lives - could this explain why people feel unfulfilled if they haven’t got a life partner? MG: There is a notion of significant other in psychology. It is the need to have someone to share life with, someone who gives meaning to life.It is a mutual, ongoing relationship that gives us the sense of belonging and identity. The need of a significant other is a part of our human make-up that makes us seek a life partner – a partnership which is going to last. But it doesn’t relate only to a marriage partner. The significant other may be a parent, sibling or a close friend. Talking about friends, people have lots of acquaintances, people they are friendly with, but they only have 2 or 3 really good friends. If they don’t have any of these - then people have a problem because it’s important for each one of us to find out “how do I fit into my world?” and “how do I use my gifts?” not to my own gratification, but to discover somebody or a group of people who are sufficiently important to me to live for them. MM: If a part of our vision of life is to get married and this doesn’t happen, does its whole meaning collapse? MG: I know some people who want to get married but they are conscious that they have not yet found the right partner. If it’s a person who is a committed Christian and part of their vision of whom they want to marry is someone they can share their faith with, they are not unhappy but they feel incomplete. They are still hopeful.. But that’s different from having a feeling of failure and feeling dissatisfied with their life. I know a couple of older women, who have finally come to accept that they are not going to get married, and their lives will have no meaning unless they find their fulfilment in doing something outside themselves which will give meaning to their lives. There are some people who are not inclined for marriage – the fact that they are not married does not bother them as it is something else which gives meaning to their life. 2 - “Is life without sex not healthy?” MM: Choosing or happening to be a celibate, we face life without sexual pleasures. Some people say it’s not normal or even not healthy. What would you say to that? MG: I agree it’s not healthy to live without sex! But I don’t think that means sexual intercourse. I believe it is healthy having sexual – meaning inter-gender relationships. If I spend a long time without meeting any women or girls, I feel deprived! And just seeing girls and women around gives me a sense that I am being balanced. From that point of view all our relationships are sexual and that is healthy. We do have a strong prompting towards sexual intercourse however, at least most people do. If you go outside Judeo-Christian heritage, then people will say you have got to have sexual intercourse. Chastity means that you thank God for your sexuality and learn how to manage it appropriately. Managing your sexuality appropriately- chastity- means that if you are not married you do not have sexual intercourse; being engaged you have a particular challenge to manage your sexuality preparing for marriage and sexual intercourse, but not yet having it. If you are married it means managing your sexual intercourse within marriage in a way which expresses mutual respect and common sense (i.e.natural family planning). Chastity means on one hand thanking God for the gift of sexuality and seeking from God the power of the Spirit- this is a gift of the Spirit- to manage it appropriately to the relationship. The practice of chastity, in fact, humanises relationships. It means that the relationship between women and men becomes more truly human. We can see this in the Bible. The Old Testament is quite strong on the need for managing sexuality. The very image of this for men is written into their flesh in circumcision. This emphases the restraint of their sexuality. Cutting the foreskin means a diminishing of sexual gratification- a reminder that there needs to be some restraint in their sexual behaviour.. Gradually through prophets, kings and judges God’s word called them to manage their sexuality until we get to the New Testament where the ideal is one man one wife, and faithfulness until death. “Do not discard the wife of your youth” says God through the prophet Malachai. In societies where chastity is observed you see mutual respect between husband and wife, where they are both of equal dignity. So the long term effect of chastity- managing sexuality outside and inside marriage in an appropriate way leads to a proper relationship between men and woman where women are not used as sexual objects. 3 - “What’s wrong with you?” Dealing with social pressure MM: For me singleness is not such a problem and it is only when people start asking me “Have you got anybody? Are you single? that it becomes a problem because it makes me feel like I am odd and there is something wrong with me? MG: It seems to me that the problem is not with you but with those who ask the questions. Some people do not know how to relate to somebody who has not got a partner. It’s like people do not know how to relate to somebody who has become a widow - suddenly they are a different kind of creature. People shun them because they do not know what to say. “No, I haven’t got anybody” is a conversation stopper. Perhaps the answer to “Have you got anybody?” would be: “No, I haven’t. Is that a problem for you? Social pressure in the early part of our life is very formative as it teaches us social rules and norms. It’s the way the society inculturates us. There comes a point, however, at some stage in our life, where we have to decide whether we are going to let this control us and dictate what we are supposed to be? We need to re-evaluate the social expectations on us and decided for ourselves. This is part of becoming mature. 4 - “Predators and shrinking flowers” MM: Singleness starts being painful as we reach the age when most of our friends are married and we realise that maybe we will be single for life. How does one cope with this? MG: I can remember three sisters I knew, who were unmarried. The two elder sisters came to terms with their situation but the youngest one never did and became a dissatisfied spinster. She always had a sense of being cheated by life. She said, she was single against her will. But the fact of her being such a disgruntled person right until she died, to my mind had more to do with her woundedness rather than being a natural consequence of being unmarried. I can think of another two sisters, who were both teachers. The older one became a deputy head of the school. Although she was sorry that she was not married she derived great satisfaction nonetheless from the family she developed from the pupils in her care. The younger sister was very similar. Interestingly, however, when the older sister died the younger one, out of the blue, got married. I think she probably considered that she was unmarriageable, and wasn’t even thinking about it. But then someone came into her life who valued her for what she was. Men can get frightened off by both predatory females or shrinking violets, the person who effectively says: don’t look at me, I am not worthy. Whereas the person who is just able to be herself, to be friendly not looking for somebody to take her on, is more likely to encounter somebody, who will say: I think you are special. I want to be with you. MM: Would you say that facing possibly lifelong singleness as bereavement is the way to deal with it? MG: If you get to the stage where it bothers you – yes. If it doesn’t bother you – don’t bother. The question is: how much it influences your behaviour with the opposite sex, It’s not good to say: “I will probably never get married,” but rather “I will leave it in the hands of Providence whether I do or not, and leave it to God in peace.”
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