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Marriage Breakdown
Bridget Slattery tells how the Beginning Experience, which ministers to those who are separated, divorced or bereaved, helped her after her marriage broke down when she found herself on her own again after 22 years.
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The wedding went ahead after we had been given permission from my father (this was necessary in 1959). Derek was 11 years older than me and I thought he was wonderful. The first difficulty that arose was that I seemed to have been flung into the world of grown ups and did not have any idea of how to behave, so looked to Derek for advice and encouragement. We were going to live in Kenya as Derek was a policeman there, so I was hundreds of miles away from any kind of family support apart from some distant cousins whom I had never met before. "Unhappy and frightened" Since my parents had not been together during the time that I grew up, I had no idea what it meant to be married and run a household especially in a foreign country and I found all this very scary. Our first child was bom when I was 19 and I had four more children in quick succession so that by the time I was 26 I had five children and the eldest was 6. We returned to England and bought our first home together. There was the family support but that also brought pressure with it. I could not tell them that I was desperately unhappy and frightened of the man that I thought I had loved. I had married in the Catholic Church, and that was that! There was no way out! Nobody that I could tell! So we lived with this tirade, which was so good that even my good friend had no idea of the difficulties that I was experiencing. My mask was well in place! I was a good Catholic mother, bringing up her children as Catholics and to the outside world we appeared to be a happy family. "We brought out the worst in each other" I haI had learnt not to talk to people and, as far as
possible not to allow my feelings to be seen, since that had become
quite dangerous and could make me too vulnerable. At this point it is
important By the time we had been married for about 22 years, most of which had been very unhappy, Derek found out about my infidelity and I prayed that God would heal our marriage but this did not seem to be the way. At last I had to make a choice as Derek was going to live in Switzerland, because of a job move and I decided not to go with him. The children were very relieved that the fighting might be over and I thought all would be well. "Why did I feel so bad?" Thus afterwards I could not understand why I felt so dreadful, locking myself in my bedroom as I could not face the world, being angry most of the time and so, so miserable. Why, when I had made the decision to leave the marriage, did I feel so bad? I thought I was going mad, thoughts were spinning round and round in my head. Somehow I managed to get into the school where I was teaching and then came the summer holidays, which was such a relief as I did not have to face the world. It must have been very hard for my family to have a mother who seemed to have fallen completely apart. "Learning to forgive myself and my husband" I went to Walsingham for the New Dawn Conference in 1988,
five years after we had separated and had the most wonderful experience
of being able to forgive Derek for what he had done and also myself
for what I had done. The next day I met someone, I can't even remember
his name, and was told about the Beginning Experience and was given
a contact for it. I booked myself on the next available weekend that
was taking place in London. I was weak from an operation and cried for
most of the weekend. I had not dared to cry for so many years, so it
was very embarrassing and also a great relief. "Turning point" The weekend was a great turning point for me and has enabled me to do all kinds of things that I would never have dreamed that I could do. As a result I got involved with Beginning Experience for about 14 years at a local level and also at national level. Although I am no longer involved with the weekends, I continue to support and encourage people to go on weekends, which I know from experience can be transforming. I want people to know that this ministry is open to all
those who have experienced some kind of loss in their lives and that,
if we work through our grief, we will come out the other side and that
there is life. Sometimes it is necessary to dare to be open and vulnerable
about the bad things that have happened in our lives and God honours
this and brings the promise of Life. I would also like to encourage
priests and religious to participate on a weekend so that they can know
and pass on the knowledge that Beginning Experience is there for hurting
people, to enable them to move on and live and love again.
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I
wanted to stay married!! My own parents had separated when I was 7 years
old and I did not want to follow their example. I married when I was
18 years old to get away from the trauma of my family and thought that
if I married somebody I had known for a long time, it would be safe
and happy. His older brother was married to my eldest sister and that
seemed to be a good recommendation. How naive! At 18,1 knew it all!