For better or for worse: an evangelising friendship

For better or for worse:
an evangelising friendship

Brian Green*, reflects on how his friendship over the years with an old school friend who had lapsed, helped to bring the man back to his Catholic faith in a time of crisis.

Jim and I had been friends from the age of 5. We started school together and went right through infant, junior and grammar schools together. After school we went to different colleges, but still kept in regular contact. Our main interests were sport and drinking beer and, although we had been life-long friends, conversation never really reached beyond the superficial. When he was 25, Jim got married. I went to the wedding, and after that our lives took quite different paths. He had a good job as an accountant and soon had a family of a boy and a girl to keep him occupied. I, on the other hand, having been through a personal crisis, had returned to the Church and was searching for some sort of Christian commitment. Contact with Jim was intermittent over the next 15 years or so. Jim had drifted away from the Church while at university, whereas I had become involved more and more in its life.
I hope you won’t abandon him like the rest of his friends have

Fifteen years or so had passed and one day I called in to see Jim’s mother. “I hope you won’t abandon him like the rest of his friends have,” she said. She then explained how Jim had left his wife for a much younger woman and that their friends had obviously sided with the wounded party, the wife. Soon afterwards I went to visit Jim with his new wife, 25 years younger and heavily pregnant. Although I certainly could not “approve” of Jim’s behaviour, I tried not to judge him or his new wife and to build a relationship with them. I would call and see them whenever I was in the area just to try to keep the relationship alive. My aim was to love them, in the Gospel sense, without any hint of judgement. I have to admit that there were times when I wondered if I was just wasting my time. Conversations never seemed to reach any depth and Christianity just didn’t seem on the agenda for either of them.

Two children and 7 or 8 years down the line, Jim rang me one day to tell me that Kate, the second wife, had gone off with someone else. He was devastated and went into a depression. In fact, he had to take early retirement as he could no longer cope with his job. He began to see his life as a failure and was struggling quite badly. He knew that I was very committed to the Church, but even in this period of extreme suffering Jim didn’t seem to have any interest in religion. On the contrary, he occasionally made criticisms of the Church, the behaviour of priests etc, although he always added, “Of course, I don’t include you in that.” I seriously began to wonder if it was God’s will to keep in touch with Jim. He was quite a keen drinker and usually wanted me to go for a few beers with him. I would have a pint or maybe two and then find excuses not to have any more.

Would he laugh at me?

Just a few years ago I felt I was being called to the priesthood, and as the day of my ordination drew nearer I wondered whether or not to invite Jim. In the end I decided to invite him, although I have to admit, I feared he might just laugh at me. However, when I phoned him to invite him, he said he was very pleased and would be delighted to come. At the ordination I noticed that he seemed very touched by the whole thing and even came up to me for a blessing at communion time.

Lat summer Jim rang me to say that he had to have a pretty serious operation. They had discovered a growth which proved to be malignant and very aggressive. I visited Jim in hospital after the operation. We spent an hour or so together and then I drove back home. Almost as soon as I arrived home, the phone rang. It was Jim. He said that he had wanted to ask me to pray with him, but hadn’t had the courage. He said he had tried to say a rosary, but had forgotten what to do. He asked if, next time I came to visit, I could bring him a rosary. This was bolt from the blue for me. On reflection I felt sure it was a result of all the prayers for Jim over the years, and probably all those “wasteful” visits. When I took him the rosary and a copy of A Simple Prayer Book, his face glowed with delight. He asked me what he needed to do to get back in touch with the Church. I told him all he needed to do was to make a good confession and then start again. He wanted to make his confession straightaway, which he did. I then gave him the sacrament of the sick and promised to bring him Jesus in the Eucharist the next time I came. Over the next couple of months, each time I visited Jim I took him Holy Communion and he would tell me how he prayed the rosary every day and how it brought him great peace and consolation.

Return to the Church

Jim’s first wife had come back on the scene and was spending many hours at his bedside. She, though not a Catholic herself, was very supportive of his return to the Church. One evening I received a phone call from Jim’s elder daughter asking if I could come immediately and bring Jim’s mum, as the hospital said he had only hours to live. I picked up Jim’s mum and drove the 50 miles or so to the hospital. Jim, still conscious, was surrounded by his elder son and daughter and his first wife. I gave Jim the sacrament of the sick again and the whole family joined in the Lord’s Prayer.

God will act when the time is right

I was very struck by the attitude of love and forgiveness shown by Jim’s wife. The second wife then arrived on the scene with the two younger children. At a certain moment I found myself in the corridor next to Elaine, the first wife. I asked her if the presence of Kate, the second wife, was a problem for her. “At times like this,” she said, “You just go beyond these things.” Then she said: “No one knows this yet, but Jim and I had planned to get married again tomorrow [to each other].” Jim survived another few hours and eventually slipped peacefully away.

The family asked me to do the funeral, which was held in the Church where we had been altar servers as lads. It was a beautiful and sad occasion. For me there was the consolation of knowing that my friend had made his peace with God and had been well prepared for his meeting with Jesus. I was grateful that God had given me the chance to be the instrument of Jim’s “conversion”. It was also a strong reminder to me that if we do our part, even if at times it may seem like a waste of time, then God will act when the time is ripe.

* A pen name. The names of the individuals mentioned have also been changed

<< Top Home >>

Jim and I had been friends from the age of 5. We started school together and went right through infant, junior and grammar schools together. After school we went to different colleges, but still kept in regular contact. Our main interests were sport and drinking beer and, although we had been life-long friends, conversation never really reached beyond the superficial. When he was 25, Jim got married. I went to the wedding, and after that our lives took quite different paths. He had a good job as an accountant and soon had a family of a boy and a girl to keep him occupied. I, on the other hand, having been through a personal crisis, had returned to the Church and was searching for some sort of Christian commitment. Contact with Jim was intermittent over the next 15 years or so. Jim had drifted away from the Church while at university, whereas I had become involved more and more in its life. I hope you won’t abandon him like the rest of his friends have Fifteen years or so had passed and one day I called in to see Jim’s mother. “I hope you won’t abandon him like the rest of his friends have,” she said. She then explained how Jim had left his wife for a much younger woman and that their friends had obviously sided with the wounded party, the wife. Soon afterwards I went to visit Jim with his new wife, 25 years younger and heavily pregnant. Although I certainly could not “approve” of Jim’s behaviour, I tried not to judge him or his new wife and to build a relationship with them. I would call and see them whenever I was in the area just to try to keep the relationship alive. My aim was to love them, in the Gospel sense, without any hint of judgement. I have to admit that there were times when I wondered if I was just wasting my time. Conversations never seemed to reach any depth and Christianity just didn’t seem on the agenda for either of them. Two children and 7 or 8 years down the line, Jim rang me one day to tell me that Kate, the second wife, had gone off with someone else. He was devastated and went into a depression. In fact, he had to take early retirement as he could no longer cope with his job. He began to see his life as a failure and was struggling quite badly. He knew that I was very committed to the Church, but even in this period of extreme suffering Jim didn’t seem to have any interest in religion. On the contrary, he occasionally made criticisms of the Church, the behaviour of priests etc, although he always added, “Of course, I don’t include you in that.” I seriously began to wonder if it was God’s will to keep in touch with Jim. He was quite a keen drinker and usually wanted me to go for a few beers with him. I would have a pint or maybe two and then find excuses not to have any more. Would he laugh at me? Just a few years ago I felt I was being called to the priesthood, and as the day of my ordination drew nearer I wondered whether or not to invite Jim. In the end I decided to invite him, although I have to admit, I feared he might just laugh at me. However, when I phoned him to invite him, he said he was very pleased and would be delighted to come. At the ordination I noticed that he seemed very touched by the whole thing and even came up to me for a blessing at communion time. Lat summer Jim rang me to say that he had to have a pretty serious operation. They had discovered a growth which proved to be malignant and very aggressive. I visited Jim in hospital after the operation. We spent an hour or so together and then I drove back home. Almost as soon as I arrived home, the phone rang. It was Jim. He said that he had wanted to ask me to pray with him, but hadn’t had the courage. He said he had tried to say a rosary, but had forgotten what to do. He asked if, next time I came to visit, I could bring him a rosary. This was bolt from the blue for me. On reflection I felt sure it was a result of all the prayers for Jim over the years, and probably all those “wasteful” visits. When I took him the rosary and a copy of A Simple Prayer Book, his face glowed with delight. He asked me what he needed to do to get back in touch with the Church. I told him all he needed to do was to make a good confession and then start again. He wanted to make his confession straightaway, which he did. I then gave him the sacrament of the sick and promised to bring him Jesus in the Eucharist the next time I came. Over the next couple of months, each time I visited Jim I took him Holy Communion and he would tell me how he prayed the rosary every day and how it brought him great peace and consolation. Return to the Church Jim’s first wife had come back on the scene and was spending many hours at his bedside. She, though not a Catholic herself, was very supportive of his return to the Church. One evening I received a phone call from Jim’s elder daughter asking if I could come immediately and bring Jim’s mum, as the hospital said he had only hours to live. I picked up Jim’s mum and drove the 50 miles or so to the hospital. Jim, still conscious, was surrounded by his elder son and daughter and his first wife. I gave Jim the sacrament of the sick again and the whole family joined in the Lord’s Prayer. God will act when the time is right I was very struck by the attitude of love and forgiveness shown by Jim’s wife. The second wife then arrived on the scene with the two younger children. At a certain moment I found myself in the corridor next to Elaine, the first wife. I asked her if the presence of Kate, the second wife, was a problem for her. “At times like this,” she said, “You just go beyond these things.” Then she said: “No one knows this yet, but Jim and I had planned to get married again tomorrow [to each other].” Jim survived another few hours and eventually slipped peacefully away. The family asked me to do the funeral, which was held in the Church where we had been altar servers as lads. It was a beautiful and sad occasion. For me there was the consolation of knowing that my friend had made his peace with God and had been well prepared for his meeting with Jesus. I was grateful that God had given me the chance to be the instrument of Jim’s “conversion”. It was also a strong reminder to me that if we do our part, even if at times it may seem like a waste of time, then God will act when the time is ripe. * A pen name. The names of the individuals mentioned have also been changed << Top Home >>