I have been very blessed recently in that as part of my three month sabbatical I spent a month in France with the Chemin Neuf community doing a 30 day silent retreat following the spiritual exercises of St Ignatius of Loyola. During this time far away from distractions and normal responsibilities I was given the opportunity to really be alone with God and to immerse myself in the Scripture in a unique way.

We are told by St Paul in Hebrews 5:12 that the Word is “alive and active…. and able to discern reflections and thoughts of the heart.” During the 30 days, through personal meditation on set scripture texts I was led on a spiritual journey, where God shone a light on my relationship to Him, and gave me the opportunity to recommit myself to Him in a new and deeper way. This can be painful (it’s not called the “exercises” for nothing) but ultimately the process is a liberating one because it is only by acknowledging the truth about ourselves that we become free.

The foundational principle in St Ignatius’ life was the belief that “Man is created to praise, reverence and serve God our saviour, and through this, save his soul. All other things on the face of the earth are created for man, to help him reach the end for which he has been created. Thus man must use these in a way whereby they are an aid to his end and disengage himself from them to the extent that they are an obstacle.”

New awareness of purpose of existence

Thus the aim of the exercises is to bring you to that place where you come to a new awareness of the purpose for your existence through God’s personal revelation to you and through meditating on the Scriptures in the context of your life. In the light of God’s love you are then able to recognise any disordered attachments and idols that you have and the things in your life that you have been relying on for your security rather than on Him. Because these can often be good things rather than obvious sins, we are often not aware that they have become idols displacing God’s place in our lives. Some of these can be very subtle, as I found, such as “people’s good opinion of you” or “your image of yourself as a good Christian”. Others can be your marriage, your children, your work – anything in fact that has become the foundation of your life rather than God, and which would make you feel you had lost your purpose for living if they were taken away from you. The exercises help you to uncover these things and give you the opportunity and the grace to put God back in first place through repentance and recommitment to Him. This is to enable you to become more free as a human being to love and serve God.

In the past the spiritual exercises tended to be just for those in religious orders, who were seen as “the professionals”, but since Vatican II with the growing significance and call of the laity, more and more ordinary men and women have started to take time out to benefit from the exercises and the personal renewal they can bring. Not everyone can take 30 days out, but there are also shorter 8 day retreats or what is known as the 19th annotation when people can follow the exercises over a year, while living their normal every day life. About 20 years ago I did an 8 day retreat at St Beuno’s which was excellent but feeling very burnt out at the end of last year, I felt it was time again for some spiritual refreshment and re-orienting.

Unlike at Beuno’s, where there is a lot of space and personal freedom, the spiritual exercises run by Chemin Neuf are conducted in a very structured environment. As well as the four prayer meditation times and daily meetings with your spiritual director, there are two talks a day, community prayer, morning and night, as well as Mass, and manual work of various kinds and household chores. Thus there was little time for sleeping or moping on your bed which can be a danger if you have too much time on your hands to reflect on your life. I found the Chemin Neuf routine forced me into a more balanced lifestyle of prayer, study and manual labour than I would probably have chosen left to myself.

Self-will the enemy of spiritual growth

If I am to be honest, I didn’t find the structured approach as “enjoyable” as the freedom at St Beuno’s, but in the end, for me personally it was more beneficial spiritually. When you are used to the autonomy of being a single person, living within a community timetable and discipline can be difficult. It seems you are constantly being told what to do and when to do it, from what time you must get up in the morning to how you should cut the vegetables. God used all this, however, and its various niggles to bring to the surface the extent of my self-will, which is the prime enemy of spiritual growth, and which I had conveniently repressed and hidden from myself.

Obedience part of the nature of God

Obedience has always been something very hard for our human nature to accept, right from the beginning. Disobedience was the cause of human fall, symbolised by the story of Adam and Eve in the garden, when the first human beings, rather than obey God’s command, followed their own opinion of what was good instead. Learning to deny the self-will through obedience helps us to reverse that original sin of pride which lurks in the depths of us all and gives more space for Christ to grow within us.

Due to the personal circumstances in my life I have had a lot of freedom over the years, both through my job and my personal living situation. I have always considered it a blessing, as it meant I could do what I felt the Lord was calling me to, unfettered by the constraints of others. On my retreat, however, I realised the danger in such a way of life, as it almost inevitably gives self will and pride a foothold. Hard work and outward virtue can be deceptive. How do we know that we are doing God’s will, if we are the only judge of this and if there is never anyone to contradict us or impose their priorities on us?

We need the challenge of others

I realised that this is why we need the challenge of others, whether it is family or parish or community. What the Lord wants most of all is humility, and those who thwart our will, far from being an obstacle to our relationship with God, are actually a blessing from the Lord for our conversion. So rather than complaining about our husbands, wives, children, bosses, parish priest, bishops or anyone who is making our lives difficult, we should be thanking God that they are bringing to the surface our self-will which needs to be redeemed. The turmoil we experience when things are not going the way we want, far from being a bad thing, is simply a sign that our self-will is being challenged. This in turn is then an opportunity for us, instead of complaining, to surrender the situation to God.

This new insight into the importance of obedience made me realise that I needed to pay more attention to the authority figures already in my life and to consider introducing new structures of accountability into areas where they didn’t exist. But there is a rub. If you agree with someone, it is not difficult to submit or be obedient. It is when you don’t agree that it becomes difficult. How many church communities and prayer groups are torn apart because of disagreements over things – from the re-ordering of a church building to differences on how the budget should be spent, or mission priorities or what kind of worship songs to sing.

Obedience about trusting in God rather than ourselves

Our society in the West, particularly in Britain is very individualistic and we value freedom highly. Obedience for many of us thus has rather negative connotations and is seen as being passive or weak. We berate teenagers today for their lack of respect for the law and authority. But could the seeds of their attitude of “no-one is telling me what to do” rather than being simply teenage rebellion be also due to what they have seen modelled in the society around them? Obedience, whether it is to superiors, authority or simply life’s events, is ultimately about faith and trust in God and in his providence. What enables us to be obedient is believing that God is in charge of this world and everything that happens in it and God makes all things work to good for those who believe and surrender to his will. (Rom 8:28) Our understanding of life is limited. Only God has the full picture and he has chosen to use authority as a way of mediating his will, even if that authority might not always be objectively right. I believe that obedience puts us in the grace of God and enables Him to act and this ultimately brings us joy and peace and helps establish His kingdom on earth.

The Chemin Neuf Community in England runs shorter Ignatian retreats and can help facilitate people going on longer ones. They can be contacted at: St Gildas Christian Centre, The Hill,Langport, Somerset TA10 9QF Tel 01458 250 496