‘Home is a holy place’, I am told. Do I really believe this? Is God to be found there when my teenager has yet again slammed out of the house, saying it is the last place he wants to be? When my tired husband returns home after twelve hours out at work to a house full of noisy children, competing music and a wife who is equally tired and barely civil? Is He there when my mother-in-law, in the later stages of Alzheimer’s, calls out through the night and our patience snaps? Is He there in the mess that is family life? Do others, too, find this hard to believe? In 2004, to find out the true state of family life, the Catholic Church launched a questionnaire, ‘Listening 2004’ to be answered by families throughout England and Wales. Over 15,000 families responded. The questions covered three main areas: their experience of family life generally, the relevance of their faith and of the Church to their family lives. They were asked what difficulties they faced in these areas, how they were helped and what their hopes were. This sharing of blessings, problems and desires was to be a testimony to the reality of life in the Catholic family today and a starting point from which the Church could help families to grow and become stronger.

Pressures on families today

Families wrote of the many pressures upon them, over many of which they felt they had little or no control. They felt their Christian values and the value of the family itself were challenged by the media, materialism and peer pressure. Many were struggling financially and found themselves juggling with competing needs, parents often working flexible hours to meet those needs. This meant that the parents and the family as a whole spent less time together, but that such time, whether a meal or activity shared, was highly prized.

Many families feel they do not fit the ideal mould and are not good enough

Many families felt that, because they did not fit the ‘ideal’ mould, they were not good enough and not entirely acceptable to the Church. Others admitted to difficulties within the family such as debt, mental illness, alcohol or drug addiction, which they kept hidden out of shame. Some had experienced rejection from clergy or fellow parishioners. However, where they found acceptance and support within the Church community, it was of tremendous value to them, even more than prayer and the sacraments.

The support of others is wonderful and necessary, but it still does not answer the fundamental question: where is God in the untidiness, the noise, the general imperfection of family life? We imagine that God resides in a place of peace, beautiful music, lovely surroundings, everything in its place, ancient rituals, respect, tidiness, flawlessness. Instead, we open the front door and trip over the rucksack dropped by one child, are greeted by headache-inducing music from another and realize we forgot to take the meat out of the freezer and there is nothing for tea. As usual, the skies have opened as we collected the child from school, we are wet and cold and all the washing on the line has been soaked once again. The pipe is still dripping under the sink and if I don’t change the bowl that is catching the drips I will also have to clean up the flood that will follow. But then the ‘phone rings and I hear the familiar voice of a friend at the other end. I explain the current predicament and she laughs and shares hers, which is probably far worse. I open my e-mails and find a collection of ridiculous photos or jokes, sent by another friend, which restore my spirits. We peel off the wet clothes and make a cup of tea and are grateful that there is a roof over our heads and food in the cupboard.

God’s presence in the mess

I have grown to realize that a ‘holy home’ does not mean everything in its place, no dust, food always on the table at the right time, clothes ironed, order, precision, tidiness. This is an illusion. God can be very absent from the super-respectable, the gleaming surfaces, the pristine clothes. I am reminded of God’s presence by the stains on the carpet made when we had tea around the fire and the children dropped half of it on the floor. In the grime on the paintwork where small, dirty hands have touched in passing. In the line around the edge of the bath which means someone has enjoyed a long soak in hot water at the end of a hard day. In the rather uncomfortable sofa which has held so many tired bodies. In the chipped plates which remind me of so many meals shared together. In the well-read children’s books that speak of stories shared. Thinking of these things and so much more, I thank God for his presence in my family. God is in our reality, not in our dreams. He is in the now, not in the ‘might be’ or ‘might have been’. He delights in the mess. He rejoices in the successes, but is still present in the failures. He is the one, constant factor.

Linking the sacraments to our family life

How can the sacraments become more relevant to our family lives? It may help if we see how deeply they are connected to our lives: Baptism of a child is not just a one-off event, but the beginning of our child’s journey with God which we, as parents, will accompany. It is also a reminder that God journeys with us all, daily giving us the life-giving graces and strength we need. When we go to Mass, we share a meal together and recognize that the meals we share at home are sacred and life-giving too. Reconciliation is the place where we receive forgiveness, enabling us to return home to share that forgiveness with our families. In Confirmation we remember the vital place of the Holy Spirit in our lives, giving us the gifts we need to build up not only our families, but also our parish and wider communities. When we welcome God into our marriages, we are recognizing that we are not just a couple joining our lives together, but that God is with us and that he blesses us constantly and is there as a source of strength, consolation and forgiveness. The Anointing of the Sick reminds us of our God who is with us in sickness, who heals but who will also accompany us on our final journey.

‘The lay faithful’s duty to society primarily begins in marriage and in the family. This duty can only be fulfilled adequately with the conviction of the unique and irreplaceable value that the family has in the development of society and the Church itself (Christifideles Laici #40). This value lies in the fact that, in the family and the home, God is to be found.

Diana Russell is the mother of four children and has recently celebrated her 30th wedding anniversary. While raising her family, she studied for a BA in Theology and an MA in Pastoral Theology. She works part-time for a local Christian charity.