When we sing, “I have decided to follow Jesus . . . the world behind me, the cross before me, no turning back,” the sentiment may be sincere, but surely it is often a tad unrealistic due to a lack of self-awareness. Spiritual directors are well aware that Christian behaviour is influenced by conscious and unconscious factors. Firstly, there is professed spirituality, i.e. what we think and feel about God at a conscious level, and operative spirituality, i.e. our primal feelings and gut instincts about God which are largely unconscious and formed in childhood.

Dr. Ana-Maria Rizzuto, a Catholic psychoanalyst, has described how a parish priest came to see her. His presenting symptoms were chronic fatigue and insomnia which compromised his ability to be available to his parishioners. A thorough examination revealed that there was nothing wrong with him physically. However, when Rizutto asked the priest about his family it became clear from his tone of voice that, although he admired his father, he also feared him because he was stern, strict and punitive. When she asked the priest about his relationship with God his reply was equally ambiguous. As Rizutto observed, the God of the priest was loving, patient and gentle (i.e. professed spirituality). However, the God of the man was critical, stern and demanding (i.e. operative spirituality). The God of the theologian was updated (i.e. professed spirituality), but the God of the man was anachronistic and disturbing (i.e. operative spirituality). Dr. Rizutto went on to describe how she helped the priest to consciously recognise the conflict between his professed idea and his operative image of God, and how the former was the fruit of his education and the latter a result of his childhood experience of paternal authority. As soon as he became aware of these conflicting aspects of his relationship with God he was able to revise his image of the Lord and to overcome his feeling of resistance.

Clash between professed and operative spirituality

The clash between these two forms of spirituality can be at work when we pray. For example, a Catholic woman called Joan went to see her spiritual director. When Sr. Agnes asked, “Did you feel particularly close to the Lord at any time since last we met?” Joan replied, “As you know, I like Lection Divina. About ten days ago I focused on the story of how Jesus met the Samaritan woman at the well. I read, reflected upon, and prayed about the passage as usual. But then at one point I had a vivid sense of the Lord’s unconditional acceptance and love for me. It was so strong, it brought tears to my eyes.” “How did you feel,” asked Sr. Agnes, “when you had that experience?” “Great relief and joy,” replied Joan, “and I also felt that I should tell other people about Jesus just as the Samaritan woman did.” But on the next two occasions when Joan met Sr. Agnes she had to admit that instead of feeling the closeness of the Lord, she had endured nothing but dryness and a sense of alienation.

Quite often aridity and desolation of spirit is due to what is known as resistance, i.e. a backing away from intimate relationship. It is often due to negative feelings, e.g., fear, shame, unworthiness, anger, mistrust and resentment, which have been evoked by negative but unconscious images, e.g. that God is demanding, distant, hard to please, harsh, punitive or apathetic. When Joan felt accepted and loved by Jesus she reacted at first with spontaneous feelings of joy and consolation of spirit. But then negative images of God began to kick in when she sensed that she was being called to tell others about Jesus. Those images evoked feelings of anxiety and mistrust within her. At an unconscious level of awareness she felt that if God were to continue to relate to her in such a loving way, she would have no control over what he might say. He could say anything. Call her to anything. He could undermine her attitudes toward herself, challenge her emotional preoccupation with her work, overturn her basic social assumptions. She could be left without integration and confidence. As a result she backed away from having a closer relationship with Jesus in the belief that if she kept Him at arms length, she could avoid the scary prospect of having to make demanding changes in her life such as witnessing to others about Him.

From negative to positive images of God

Spiritual directors are skilful in helping directees not only to recognise resistance but how to overcome it. For example on a subsequent visit, Sr. Agnes said, “Joan, I know you feel far from Jesus at the moment, but can you recall the joyful experience you told me about a few weeks ago? What was it that you noticed about Jesus that evoked your feelings of consolation?” Joan replied, “I was filled with joy when I realised how loving and accepting Jesus was when I meditated on His meeting with the Samaritan woman.” (That would be a description of her positive image of God.) Then Sr. Agnes said, “Joan try to stay with the feeling of closeness you had with Jesus. Did you have any other feelings afterwards?” Joan didn’t say anything for a moment or two. Then she replied, “At first there was the feeling of joy. But the next day when I was thinking about the call to tell others about Jesus, joy gave way to a feeling of apprehension.” Then Sr. Agnes asked, “Was there anything you noticed about Jesus that evoked your negative reaction?” Joan replied, “I am a shy person. I don’t think I have the courage to tell others about Jesus. Not only that, ever since childhood I have had an impression that the saints who get close to Jesus seem to suffer a lot and are asked to undertake very demanding tasks in their lives. I find life hard enough as it is, I don’t think I could cope with any more hassle or demands.” (In saying this Joan was admitting that she had an image of the Lord as a kill-joy or spoil sport). Then Sr. Agnes responded, “Well Joan, you seem to have met two Lords in recent weeks, one who loves and accepts you as you are, and the other who is demanding and unreasonable in his expectations. Which of the two do you think is the real Jesus?” After pondering a moment the truth dawned on her, and Joan replied, “It is the Jesus who reassured me of his unconditional acceptance and love.” In this way, Sr. Agnes helped Joan to identify the fact that a negative, but unconscious image of God, had caused her resistance and therefore her aridity. I should say in passing that negative images of God are not the only cause of resistance. Sometimes it is due to the fact that the change that the Lord is inviting the person to makes requires a degree of selfsacrifice that he or she is not willing to make.

Holy desires and change

Spiritual directors know that the there is no growth in the spiritual life without preceding desire. The deeper and stronger the desire, the greater the openness to subsequent blessing. So whenever we ourselves or people we care about, experience resistance in their Christian lives, besides helping them to identify negative images of God, we can ask the question that Jesus asked the two disciples of John, “what do you want” (Jn 1:38). Once people get in touch with their deep down spiritual desire they are in touch with the activity of the Holy Spirit within them. As Paul assured us in Phil 2:13, “it is God who works in you [e.g. by means of holy desires] to will and to act according to his good purpose [e.g. as an answer to heartfelt prayer].” Whereas, negative images and their associated feelings may move us away from surrender to the Lord, our spiritual desires not only have the power to overcome resistance, they will move us toward a more intimate relationship with the person and will of Jesus. The more we get to know Jesus as He is, the more false images of God are revealed and replaced.

Fr Pat Collins CM is a popular author, speaker and retreat leader who is based at St Peter’s Church in Dublin.