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Motherhood: An Honest Reflection

Author: Beth Yardley

Picture: Pxhere

Motherhood: An Honest Reflection

As Beth Yardley reflects on the joys and struggles of motherhood,  she shares how God's love has astounded her.

I'm going to be quite honest. I don't think it's the perspective many people hear about in motherhood.

I’m 27, I've been married for 2 years and we have a one-year-old son. Although our pregnancy was unplanned, it was a welcome surprise, and was reasonably straightforward.

Things changed once labour came, ending in an emergency Caesarean section, which I was totally peaceful with.

With my husband in scrubs, we went to the operating room. After 10 minutes, we met our little baby boy, who weighed a whopping 10lb 4oz.

Having earlier prayed, we gave him the name Ignatius Joshua. After 3 days, we finally went home.

A Busy Season

However, many things happened following the birth, including a family wedding, a house move, no paternity leave for my husband and attending a conference, where my husband has a leadership role.

None of this is of blame to anyone, but the reality is that the family time, which I had hoped for after the birth for months following, I felt had been ‘robbed’ from me. This I did not have peace with, and found it prevented me being happy in my new vocation.

Becoming a parent IS a massive change, like nothing I have ever experienced. Whilst you make so many sacrifices, you also do gain in such abundant ways.

However, when Ignatius was six months old, I was still struggling with feeling at peace.

"You would do anything to stop your child from hurting."

When Ignatius was born, I had a fierce protection over him. I found it difficult to sleep without him being in the room, but I did not have that ‘rush’ of love that I thought most mothers have in that moment. It was not that perfect love story, but very gradual; every day my love for him grew.

However, when Ignatius was eight months old, it hit me. We took him to hospital, as he was very ill and appeared unresponsive, and I was a wreck! I said to my husband: “I didn't realise how vulnerable motherhood makes you, that you would do anything to stop them from hurting.”

I remember a depth of pain I had never been to before, a depth of desperation for him to be happy and healthy.

That, for me, was the ‘moment’, the ‘rush’.

Reaching Out For Support

I remember, deep in my heart, for so long feeling ashamed I had not had it before. Hearing people saying on Mother’s Day ‘I love being a mummy’, I felt so guilty for being unable to say the same.

Because of this, I reached out for support. I couldn’t take it anymore. During this time, I recognised God’s voice particularly through a close friend.

I was so nervous she would judge me and think I couldn't cope.

However, she told me I was courageous, and admired my vulnerability. I was stunned. Her acceptance reminded me of the Lord’s love and kindness. I needed reminding!

I never thought my action was courageous. I was living in the shame of my struggle, in the prison of my thoughts and yet she thought I was courageous and admired me. I honestly was blown away. I’m astounded by God’s love.

Faith: A Lifeline

So many similar moments have since happened. At night, when nothing seems to be going right, in sickness, in frustration, in despair and even in the joys - my faith has truly been my lifeline. He truly never falls to meet with you.

For the first time in my life, I could not risk trying to do it in my own strength. Ignatius was more important than my pride.

After this, I chose to continue to talk about my feelings, to really accept the changes and the vocation. A few trusted people also prayed for me into the areas where I needed God’s presence and healing, which I am so grateful for.

I can now honestly say motherhood IS a gift and I have received it wholeheartedly.

I love Ignatius more than I can say.

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