| Freedom in Christ
Vijaykumar Rajah, who was a drug addict for many years, shares his testimony and how he found Christ in Cardiff prison and the difference his new found faith has made to his life
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I was born in Malaysia in 1962 and was brought up in an orphanage as my mother couldn’t afford to keep us when our father died. It was very strict and there was no love there. Later I came to the United Kingdom with my two sisters to be with my mother and stepfather, who was English but I was asked to leave home as I was 16. I decided to join the army and went away for four years, which I enjoyed. When I left the forces at 21, I met a lady with three children and we got married. It was then I became involved in the drug world. I was a “tester” for drugs that came into Dover and Folkestone from abroad for two brothers with whom I became friendly. At the same time I was smoking cannabis and snorting amphetamines. I felt important, accepted, clever and tough and was becoming popular in the community. People used to say “Oh that’s VJ – he’ll sort out what we need. If anybody can get anything it will be VJ” .
Cannabis and amphetaminesCannabis didn’t make me violent but I got very forgetful and was always daydreaming while the amphetamines, which is an upper drug makes you feel so good and confident that you promise the world to everyone you meet. But when you come down off the drug you become irritable and moody and feel weak and very slow. One night I went out with my mates and our wives. The girls didn’t realise that we men had been snorting speed and swallowing pills and were high. We were all having a good time and as I knew most of the people in the club I didn’t anticipate any problems. My wife Eileen was hungry so we went to get a chinese takeaway a few doors away. When we come back to the club we walked straight into a full blown fight, which had been sparked off by a racist remark to my friend. There were 18 of them and only four of us so I felt duty bound to help defend my friend. I didn’t realise one of our guys had a blade with him and in the fight someone was stabbed two millimetres from his heart. All four of us got sent to prison. Not surprisingly my marriage didn’t last and I ended up on the streets. This was my life for almost 3 years – sleeping in carparks, doorways, eating out of bins and getting physical and verbal abuse. And all the time I was doing drugs, wherever I could find them. Then I became a dealer and made a lot of money, but everything was spent on supporting my habit. I also managed to find full time employment to satisfy the authorities that the money I had was legitimately earned. I even worked my way up from kitchen porter to manager of a 300 seater restaurant. I could never hold a job down for long, however, because of the drugs, and I needed more and more to satisfy my craving. I ended up a common thief, stealing cheque books and credit cards.
No hope for meThere was no meaning any more to my life beyond the next fix and I would do anything for it. When I couldn’t afford the drugs, I drank instead. That was my god. I felt there was no hope for me anymore and I couldn’t get any lower. I tried self harm, cutting myself and suicide attempts but to no avail. One day I got into another fight, was arrested, charged with wounding and sent to Cardiff prison. As I wasn’t allowed a razor I decided to starve myself to death and went down from 15 stone to 9 stone. The weaker I got the more negative I became and I was sectioned. The prison, however, couldn’t force feed me like political prisoners because I wasn’t protesting about anything, I just had given up the will to live. Someone had left a bible in my cell. It was the only book there. I picked it up and started to read from the New Testament. All I knew about Jesus was about baby Jesus on Christmas day who came to save the world and died on the cross. I decided to read a bit more. I became very troubled as I read the gospel. It started convicting me of all my wrong doings. I felt it was just me and Jesus. I told him I was really, really sorry for all that I had done. But I thought it would be easier to die than to change. There was no medication, drug counselling that could help me, only Jesus. I read John 5:5 where the paralysed man, who had been ill for 38 years was asked by Jesus is he wanted to get well. When he said ‘yes’ Jesus told him “Get up, pick up your mat and walk.” I knew our heavenly Father was saying that to me: “Child, trust me and I will save you. I will make you walk again.” It was hard to walk again, but I knew in my heart that I could really trust this man Jesus. Our Lord Jesus Christ set me free from my addictions. He died for all my sins. I’m like that prodigal son whose father was waiting to receive him with open arms. Most importantly I know that He still loves me, no matter what I have done. It was Jesus who helped break my addiction and set me free from all the guilt and pain in my life as well as the physical and psychological withdrawal. He helped me do it, although there were a lot of tears too and I had to get honest with myself too. I also stopped my hunger strike and started to eat again, knowing that Our Lord Jesus Christ has forgiven me. I haven’t had a drug now since that time in 1997. I found that the more honest I was with the Lord, the more honest I was with myself too. The more I trusted him, the more I could trust myself. The more I came to know him, the more self awareness I had too. The more I loved him the more I learnt to love myself.
Believing I began to seeThe newness of me in Christ is the best drug I have ever experienced. People say “seeing is believing” but I found that is was in “believing that I began to see” and Jesus became my counsellor. I even started writing to him. Jesus took me through my storms. I have books at home full of letters that I wrote to him nearly every day. I believe that our Lord Jesus Christ is the Son of God. No man, no medication, no counselling, no prison, no human love could ever touch me like He did, when he did, when I was the way I was. He did not let me down. In the book of Acts it says, “Do not make light of our Father’s work, His disciplines. He rebukes, He corrects” and that’s what He did with me. Slowly peace, joy, the happiness that money can’t buy began to flood through me. But it was the love of Christ that really caused the change in me. To be loved and feel loved for myself was something I had never experienced before. I have still had a few problems and ended up in prison again in Chelmsford. This was for a contempt of court for a year, for breaching an injunction order. But this time when I was in prison it was different. I knew Christ was with me. He took me through it again and I rose above my initial pain on coming back to prison.
Decided to help othersI also decided to help others. I became a trusted “Listener” trained by the Samaritans in befriending and listening to other inmates who had problems - maybe it was their first time in prison, or they had a relationship problem. I found they would open their hearts up to me. I also got involved with the suicide prevention team. I got along well with the prison officers and visitors as well as the other inmates. I knew that helping others and being there for them was what Christ did for me. I told them the truth that it was the word of God that changed and saved me. Whilst in custody I had the opportunity to study too and I did an Alpha course. The system has helped me in many ways. Today I’m studying at college to be a counsellor. I have a beautiful relationship with my children now and have a full time job. I have my life and most importantly I have my faith. I no longer go round with a gun or a screwdriver for protection but a cross and a prayer for comfort and protection from evil and temptation. On my own I am nothing, but I’m everything in Christ. “I picked up my bed and walked”. Today I have faith, hope and love. Today I have a conscience and a heart. He restored me. Amazing Grace. AMEN
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