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Philippa's Story
Through this testimony I wish to proclaim how infinitely
wonderful is the goodness of the Lord and how incredibly marvellous
and astonishing are His works. I also hope that in reading it you
will be encouraged/confirmed in your own journey towards Him.
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In May 2004 a friend gave my husband a copy of GOODNEWS, which he didn’t read but I did. Whilst reading Patti Gallagher Mansfield’s article - Blessed is She Who Believed, something distressing in my mind was suddenly triggered and I fell on my knees crying out to God. A piece of paper fell out of the magazine which I later picked up. It advertised New Dawn and as I read it I somehow knew that this was the answer to my prayer and this ‘knowing’ enabled me to overcome the many new difficulties and anxieties which I now had to face. At that time I didn’t know what Catholic Charismatic Renewal was but throughout the five days God led me on a profoundly amazing journey of wonder and awe and I experienced much healing. It was like being on a roller coaster with extreme highs followed by terrifying lows yet all the time I felt ‘held.’ One of the talks, on perseverance in prayer, was led by Fr. Bob Poole. He spoke of a man who was always asking him for money. The man would knock on Fr. Bob’s front door of his house, then the back, and then he’d look through the windows. He was determined! It left its mark on me. During the healing service I was very anxious but extremely hopeful that my mind would be healed. Fr. Jimmy Collins started praying over me but something within me drew back involuntarily and I fell on the floor. Fr. Jimmy knelt beside me and prayed some more and then moved off and I lay on the floor in a turmoil of distress. A voice within me said, “You don’t think it’s going to be that easy do you?” and a profound sense of helpless hopelessness overwhelmed me. I’d been expecting to feel really happy and yet here was I experiencing a vile and terrible bitterness, hatred and vindictiveness which was churning up inside me. It was horrible, desperately horrible and I returned to my seat feeling extremely angry. People were getting up and kneeling before the Blessed Sacrament but I was filled with a terrible rage. I’d wanted healing and been left feeling worse than I started. (I now know that this was part of the healing!) I struggled inside. A bitter twisted part of me wanted to leave but something kept me there and watched the people kneeling. Eventually I got up and knelt with them and looking at Him silently said, in a dreadfully vile and bitter manner, “OK, so when I look at You and You look at me, what do You see?” I couldn’t see anything at all nice about me. I was shocked at how awful I actually was. After a short time I got up and left. The following morning I was very low. My husband had been going to John Vaughan- Neil’s workshops and he mentioned that John had said if anyone wanted praying over for a word, they were to go early to the workshop. I had intended going to one of the other workshops but somehow I felt that I was to go and be prayed over instead. John explained that the people who were praying had been chosen by him and that if they didn’t have a word they simply wouldn’t give one. I was very nervous. After a time a young woman came up to me and without saying anything to me, started praying in tongues over me. I sat quietly, waiting. Then she stopped and was quiet. At this point in the silence, something really desperate rose up within me. The woman started praying again and silently within me I cried out in desperation to God. “God, I’m knocking at Your door! I’m running round and knocking at your back door! I’m knocking at Your windows! God, I’m shouting down Your chimney! Give me something!” The woman stopped again and then said something that I will never forget. She said, “He looks on you with great joy.” A great sense of relief overwhelmed me. He’d given me something. He looked on me with great joy. Not just joy but great joy. I felt really happy. About two hours later a sudden great dawning overwhelmed me with shocking intensity. He’d answered me! When this vile creature had knelt before Him the day before He’d heard her and He’d arranged for her to be told her answer from Him by a complete stranger, who’d absolutely no idea of the question. And as if this were not amazing enough in itself, He’d told her, this vile creature that He looked on her with great joy! WOW! Today I am still amazed. He continues to heal me in many different ways and my confidence in Him grows. It’s rarely easy and I have many setbacks, when I fall back into the pit of doubt and despair but He always pulls me out again. I am so convicted that He loves and cares for me that I know I just have to cry out to Him and wait. He couldn’t do anything other! December 2006
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When
I was a child my mother died. My father dealt with it as best he could
and life continued. Many years later, experiencing panic attacks when
trying to speak in public, I went to see a psychologist for help. Unfortunately,
although the psychologist was well intentioned, he uncovered traumatic
experiences dating from my childhood which he had been unable to contain.
They traumatised me. I began to experience severe confusion, anxiety
and depression and it seemed as though I had become a different person.
In my terrible suffering I cried out continually to God and although
He seemed to speak to me in quite profound ways giving me hope, I frequently
doubted, fearing that it was only a manifestation of my confused mind.
My faith was sorely tested.