Delivered from Darkness

Simon, I remember a Monday evening about five years ago at the Cowley Prayer Group, when your mother broke down in tears and asked us to pray for you. That was the first time she had mentioned you; she told us a bit about you and after that we prayed for you regularly. Now here you are here at the House of the Open Door Community! Can you tell us a bit about what led up to this, what you were doing in those early days and what brought you here?

I suppose that five years ago was probably the hardest, toughest time of my life. Obviously I knew about my mum being a Christian but it just didn't seem very relevant to my life. That point in my life was really difficult because it was like I went through really dark patch where things didn't seem to make any sense. As a person I really liked to seek my own happiness in the ways that I knew best and at that time I was quite heavily involved in the music scene and the whole drugs culture and just doing my own thing in the way that I knew best. I just didn't want to fit in to the secular word, nine to five working and all that kind of stuff.

What sort of things were you doing at that time?
We were producing our own music and playing in a lot of night-clubs and just heavily involved in that sort of culture. To me it was a way of life; it was not something that I did just for money, it was something that I believed in and I wanted to give myself to. Unfortunately, part of that was the whole drug culture. At that time I thought of this as a quite positive thing. My life had become sort of dark and underground and I was into stealing cars and all those sort of things. It seemed that the whole drug thing made me a more peaceful sort of person, I use to be quite angry and resentful but when I got into the drugs thing I became more peaceful and contented.

Didn't it scare you that you might get addicted to the drugs?
No, not really. When I took drugs the result was immediate, and the first thing I saw was me as a more relaxed and nicer person. And when I got involved in selling, it was like giving a service. The gear that I got was good gear and in my eyes it was a good cause. That was my life and, to be honest, I wasn't unhappy with it as such. But there came a point in my life when something like a heavy depression came upon me. I don't know what it was but it felt like something was heavy upon me, and I started to reflect on my life.

And that was at the point at which you are making a lot of money, you were successful and having a good life?
Yes, from the outside my life was the best it had ever been. I had my own place, a nice, beautiful girl and she had our own house, which to me was my place as well. I had a good car and. And the music business was just getting better and better; we were selling more and more records and we were getting more recognised; we were doing stuff for magazines and the money was coming in. The more I more involved in it, the less work I seemed to have to do. It was a life of luxury; the money was coming in, we were going away on holiday a lot, I never had to get up at a certain time, I could get up when I wanted. My friends used to say how lucky I was. I had all the things that I wanted and I didn't have to work. Most people doing a regular job envied me. The way I looked at life, you lived to make money and made money to live. I really believe this and if I could find a short cut to making money I would do it. Even from a young age I would look after myself. My money didn't come from my mum or from the family but from a young age I used to steal and make ends meet in my own way which I knew. I was always very successful at it. I suppose the scale just grew larger and larger.
Looking back, I went through a sort of breakdown, there was something heavy upon me but I didn't recognise it because it had always been there. I just realised that there was a lot of stuff going on inside me and I didn't understand it. I was getting confused. At this point I started having real negative physical things happening so me. I put it down to the life-style I was leading. I found it really difficult to breathe and I was gasping for air. I went to the doctors and they wanted to prescribe me drugs but this was the last thing I wanted. I suppose I started to look for help to see why I was feeling the way I was.
I always knew about this guy my mum had told me about. He was a priest, Fr Rudolph, and he had been a real help to her. I went to meet this guy. Everything in me was just the opposite to this guy: he was wearing robes, a typical priest, old, with a beard, and living in this monastery. To go there was like being in a horror movie! I just couldn't relate to him or even understand what he was doing there and why he would do it. He wasn't how I expected him to be. It was weird, he wasn't firing questions at me but was just listening, as I told him how I felt and started to reveal some of what I was feeling. I realised that this guy was really peaceful, content, happy; he was everything that I wasn't, and yet he didn't have anything that I had and somehow it just didn't tally. I always thought of myself as being quite a smart person. I always knew what I wanted and there was nothing that would stop me from getting it. People would say to me, "Aren't you afraid of going to prison?" but to me, being happy was the most important thing. I remember saying to the priest: "why are you doing this for me, what are you gaining from listening to me? What's in it?" But he just began telling me about Jesus. He was not forcing anything on me but was just sharing what he had. It just didn't make any sense. I had heard about Jesus at school, I'd been to Church before, but what relevance did it have to this?.

What was Jesus to you at that time?
To me he was just a really depressing bloke. You just saw Him nailed to a cross. Seeing this man was just a heavy depression. Church for me was just for a certain type of people, dead people. But the way this priest was just started to speak to my heart. It was a real slow process but I started to recognise that there was something more, there had to be something more, and I wasn't happy. I realised that my physical being was really deteriorating. Every day when I went to my bed, I would be smoking a joint, and have a bottle of whisky by my bed, I would have the television on, music on, a light on, I just filled my life with the noise and things. I would drop to sleep and wake up in the morning and the music would still be playing. The television was still be on. It was a daily routine. It was like numbing all my senses to life. I had been looking for something in music, it had done a lot of good things for me, together with the whole drugs thing, It had started to take me deeper. The music began to touch my heart and I realised there was something even deeper than that. So, somehow I started to delve deeper into this stuff, this Christianity, which this guy and my mum believed in.
Up to then I never told my mum anything about my life, any of the problems I had because I thought she wouldn't be able to cope with it. But during this time she was a completely different person, she didn't get upset and when I told her about some of the experiences I was going through she seemed totally un-shaken, which was really out of character for her. I know my mother and I know what she is capable of, and this just was not her. Somehow I just started to look. I listened to a Nicky Cruz tape. I remembered it about this guy Nicky Cruz from something I had read at school. I wanted to know more about him and I listened to his testimony. At the time I was laying in bed with my girlfriend, and as I listened to this guy talking about his experiences I remember it felt as if a knife was going into my heart. It was just breaking me up. Just hearing his story pierced me so deeply and I just cried. I said to this girl don't you feel it? I was really experiencing something and she didn't quite understand what I was going through. Somehow God started to move in my life. I had heard that the Bible could speak to you and I was secretly looking in the Bible. I was looking for God but I couldn't find him.
My mum gave me this prayer which went something like: " I reject Satan, I'm sorry for the sins of my past and I want to know you Jesus " and it said that when you say these words and mean them with all your heart, your life will change. Every night I would say these words. In the beginning they just didn't make any sense. Not even the slightest. I carried on faithfully and gradually, something happened inside me. It was like I actually started to mean what I said.
At this time everything was drawing me away from my lifestyle. I was living with this girl, but I decided to move out. Every time I went to my mum's house I felt peacefulness which wasn't there when I was elsewhere. So I came back and started to stay at my mum's house. I was saying this prayer and I remember one night in bed searching for God with all my heart, my whole being. I was laying on my bed and I felt like something was lifting off me. The heaviness was just going. I didn't understand it

An attack!

Something didn't like what Simon was saying - at this point a group of bees appeared from no-where and started to sting Simon on his face and head. We both ran!

Simon continued with his story a little later

Simon, would you like to carry on with your story?
From the point I felt this change in myself, there was a gradual change in perspective. I remember just walking. One of the things I used to do was to clutter my head with stuff. I began to just walk and listen to the birds, I began to take notice that I was becoming aware of the surroundings I was in. This priest said to me: "Learn to listen. Listen to nature". As I walked it was as if I was experiencing God everywhere and I took notice of things I never knew. It was like my eyes were opened for the first time as I began to see the beauty of everything God had made. I was just an amazing transformation of my whole outlook - my mind and everything. Even though there were some big changes it was all quite gradual and it was all quite smooth. As I began to read my bible and pray I just realised that my whole life would be changing now, that somehow my life would have to be completely different. I decided that I wanted to move from where I live. I listened to a tape of a testimony of Roy Hendy (he was at that time leader of the House of the Open Door community). He talked about how he used to beat up his children and was quite a violent man. But God had changed his life. I went and spoke to this guy and went to this community and started to build relationships there. I used to go on a Friday night to the praise and prayer meeting; I sensed that people were a bit wary. I used to come a lot on my own and I didn't really fit in, but I just knew that God wanted me to come, and I found peace there. That was five years ago almost. The changes are just immense, they really are!

Can you tell us a bit about what you are doing now, five years later?
I'm living a normal, down-to-earth life working on the farm and doing ordinary, mundane stuff around here. Going into prisons and testifying about the power of God and telling them about Jesus. The biggest thing that's on my heart is for people to know about Jesus and His power to change and transform lives. I just feel a special love for guys in prison and from this kind of background. God seems to be doing all kind of things and I am quite excited, but there is one thing He has been telling me lately: He is more interested in what he wants to do in me than what I can do for Him. Although I have been quite excited and felt quite radical in telling people about Jesus, he really is showing me there is nothing that I can do for Him, but He is really doing the work in me. This is an eternal thing and is a real big revelation for me, I suppose. But I still long for the opportunities to tell people about Jesus and how He can change a person's life and transform it.

What sort of reaction do you get when you go into prisons and start talking about Jesus?
To be honest, it is normally a very good response. Sometimes there can be a little bit of ridicule but that is natural. I seem to meet so many people that just want out. They have realised that they have made such a hash of things. They seem to pick up a bit of hope for their own lives. It is such a privilege to be able to tell them of the truth, that they can change, that God can change people, that they don't have to live in such a rut that can hold onto people for all their lives. I am just so encouraged by people in prison - they are such real people, they say how they feel. I suppose most of them realise they have made such a mess of things. As we know, Jesus came for the sinners, He didn't come for the people that think they have got everything together, but He came for the poor and needy. I often feel that there are a lot of those behind bars.

Do you actually get prisoners giving their lives to Jesus as a result of your testimony?
Whether direct I don't know, but there are many people who but I have heard it said many times: "What do I have to do?" Some people say they want to become a Christian and give their life to the Lord. All I do is tell people what God has done, but there is so much more. It is one thing on impulse to say: "I want to know Jesus", but it is another to go on and spend the rest of your life with Him. I have seen many, many time, guys standing up and saying "I want to know Jesus", and say the prayer, but it is what goes on from there that is the important thing. Often I don't get to know much about the rest of their lives. It is encouraging.

You have been to Eastern Europe a few times - have you been giving your testimony?
Yes, I have been into churches and schools and it has been an encouraging time. In the natural it is exciting because I really love to travel and meet people, somehow I really feel for people in THIS country. We feel we have tried God and religion and we feel that we have got a better way. We are such a materialistic society and I just feel such a longing to see people here come to Know Jesus. Something that has been on my heart from the beginning is to go to the city and tell people. God has drawn me away for the past five years into the middle of nowhere in the country but at the beginning of the year He seemed to be talking to our community about going back to the city. We felt a call to go to the local city, which is Birmingham, to somehow do something there, I don't know what. To live in Birmingham and somehow get involved in what's going on in the city. We are still praying about what is to be done and how it is going to work. There was a great excitement in me when I found out about this, but I realise that God has been dealing with me, in so many areas of my life. I ultimately know that I can do nothing for God, but I all I can testify is what He has done for me - It's all Him. I can easily get caught up in doing FOR God, in so many ways you can get caught up in living and working for God that you think everything is hunky-dory. But it's not about working for God, it's about doing what He wants you to do. If it means living in a community, if it means living a normal life, if it means being a priest, if it means being a housewife, then so be it. God is certainly keeping my feet firmly on the ground of every-day life. From one minute I could be putting up fences, or mending a car, or talking to guys in prison, or standing on a stage talking to a lot of people. From one moment to the next it can be different. God is the God of ordinary life as well and I know He wants to keep my feet firmly on the ground.

Have you got a few words of advice that you could give to young people who might be in the same situation that you were five years ago?
Yes. God loves you with such a love that you wouldn't even understand - He accepts you as you are. That's the thing about God - you don't have to fit into God's plan, but God accepts you, as you are. Today. Right now! And loves you, as a father would love His child, and even more. It is God who does the changing. If we open our hearts to Him and say "Yes", He will transform your life no matter how far gone you think you are. He is able to do it from beginning to end. He never rejects anyone. Never. But it can't be a game- you can't say, "Well, I'll give this a go". It needs to be real. You can feel you have reached the end of your own strength, your own way, and you can call out to God because He is just waiting there.

© Mike Oliver
13 June 1999

Delivered from Darkness - Simon's Story